ECLIPSES ARE SCARY, MOST LIKELY EVIL

An eclipse! How exciting! ... Too bad it was in Asia...

Millions of people across Asia have witnessed the longest total solar eclipse of the 21st century with a mixture of excitement and religious fervor. Millions of others shut themselves in doors, fearing a bad omen.

Ho...LY....Shit. It's just like that scene from Apocalypto! Except for the fact that's it's 2009. It's fucking 2009. I'm sure you know 2009... It's that year that's hundreds of years AFTER we discovered the scientific reasons for an eclipse! Yup... that one.

Tens of thousands of Hindus bathed in the waters of the river Ganges in northern India, seeking spiritual purification during the eclipse. A stampede erupted among the crowd in the city of Varanasi, killing an elderly woman and injuring several other people.

Well, what are ya gonna do? I guess that was just god's plan for that elderly lady... to get trampled by a bunch of fucking morons.

Some expectant mothers in India asked doctors to re-schedule caesarian deliveries, fearing that giving birth on the day of the eclipse would lead to complications.

Um... So wait... you trust science to cut your gut open with a knife to unnaturally deliver your baby, but not to explain the natural reasons for why an eclipse happens? .... you do? OK ... just so we're clear. I officially surrender. You can't reason with logic like this.

PRIEST IS SUPER SEXY, THIEF

Raawwwwwr! Hey little boys Ladies! Say hello to super-sexy Rev. William Blasingame! He's VERY single and ready to mingle! Don't be shy!

A 66-year-old Staten Island pastor trying desperately to turn back the clock ripped off nearly $85,000 from his congregation to pay for plastic surgery, Botox shots and fancy clothes, authorities said yesterday.

"He is a favorite of the elderly and 65-plus crowd," a law-enforcement source said. "He was a real schmoozer."

Sexy clothes and shiny plastic face? I think the Rev. and I might visiting very different web sites during our "happy alone time."

God damn it! When i put money in the collection plate, i assumed i was paying good money for a completely invisible product, and helping to buy my way into heaven.

Speaking of, this whole religion thing really is pure genius. Having an invisible product with no real overhead is a pretty sure-fire way to make it through the recession.

I'M AN FSM MINISTER, NO TAXES PLEASE

So i was getting my money back from the government raping my paycheck all year doing my taxes this weekend and came across the page above. I've obviously heard about tax exemptions for religion, but they always seemed like a distant myth that doesn't actually happen in real life... like a cheetah running 60 mph or Christian being intelligent .... So obviously it was kinda jarring to come face-to-face with it.

"If you are minister, member of a religious order, or notary public and would like to make an adjustment to the self-employer tax, click the SE Adjustment button."

So yeah, I consider myself a minister for the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I made shirts, i posted my status as a pasfarian on facebook. And if you know as much about the Holy script of the FSM as i do, you'd know a HUGE part being pastafarian is not doing anything at all! Thus i'm actively involved in the church and not paying a cent of taxes.

Hell, I'd like to see them TRY to audit my ass. I wish THEY WOULD. But if the dirty IRS wants to jeopardize their shot at eternal bliss with the FSM, beer volocanos and stripper factories, i guess that's their business. Your move Uncle Sam.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M A NON-RACIST

The KKK was battered to the fringes of society... We've changed our discourse on race,

MORALS COME FROM A MAGICAL GUY WITH THREATS

"Name me an ethical action, or moral statement made by a believer that could not have been made or performed non-believer...

Now if i asked any audience if they can name a wicked action undertaken or wicked statement made because of religion ... no one has a moments hesitation."

If i was intelligent and religious ... i think i'd renounce my religion approximately .0009 seconds after i heard that statement. Of course in order to be religious, you generally like to ignore intelligence and logic to remain so. But hey ... if you're gonna make an omelette, you have to break a few church boys' be-hymens*... Wait, maybe i got that wrong. It's something like that though.


*credit: Adam Carolla coined the phrase "be-hymen" in reference losing one's anal virginity

INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR LIFE IS LIKE IKEA FURNITURE WITH A BAG OF SCREWS MISSING

Who cares if that guy is his uncle ... the minute you find out someone has a indigo drawer you burn them. They are a witch. Burn them, preferably alive before their horns sprout.

P.S. Best YouTube ever.

INDY-TUCKY STILL PLAYING CATCH-UP ON THAT WHOLE "SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE" THING

Just drove back from Indiana and these plates have been there for a year or so now i guess. According to this nerd blog, unlike other things like wildlife conservation or something real like that, the "God Plates" are on the house...

The lawsuit filed in Marion Superior Court claims the state Bureau of Motor Vehicles gives preferential treatment to motorists wanting the plates, which also feature the American flag, because they don’t have to pay the $15 administrative fee that the agency collects on sales of most other Indiana specialty plates.

Fun huh? Now you can announce to the world that you like to waste a quarter of your weekend singing with old people WITHOUT forking over $14.95 for a metal stick-on fish. God sure works in mysterious ways!

I went to church once, but they frown on getting a refill of the stale wine they serve and making out with hot chicks in the pews. JUST kidding! There aren't any hot chicks at church.


PS So yeah ... kinda busy ... so no posts in a while. But i'm pretty sure i'm the only one who reads them anyway, so i guess i'm only cheating myself really.