PRIEST IS SUPER SEXY, THIEF

Raawwwwwr! Hey little boys Ladies! Say hello to super-sexy Rev. William Blasingame! He's VERY single and ready to mingle! Don't be shy!

A 66-year-old Staten Island pastor trying desperately to turn back the clock ripped off nearly $85,000 from his congregation to pay for plastic surgery, Botox shots and fancy clothes, authorities said yesterday.

"He is a favorite of the elderly and 65-plus crowd," a law-enforcement source said. "He was a real schmoozer."

Sexy clothes and shiny plastic face? I think the Rev. and I might visiting very different web sites during our "happy alone time."

God damn it! When i put money in the collection plate, i assumed i was paying good money for a completely invisible product, and helping to buy my way into heaven.

Speaking of, this whole religion thing really is pure genius. Having an invisible product with no real overhead is a pretty sure-fire way to make it through the recession.

I'M AN FSM MINISTER, NO TAXES PLEASE

So i was getting my money back from the government raping my paycheck all year doing my taxes this weekend and came across the page above. I've obviously heard about tax exemptions for religion, but they always seemed like a distant myth that doesn't actually happen in real life... like a cheetah running 60 mph or Christian being intelligent .... So obviously it was kinda jarring to come face-to-face with it.

"If you are minister, member of a religious order, or notary public and would like to make an adjustment to the self-employer tax, click the SE Adjustment button."

So yeah, I consider myself a minister for the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I made shirts, i posted my status as a pasfarian on facebook. And if you know as much about the Holy script of the FSM as i do, you'd know a HUGE part being pastafarian is not doing anything at all! Thus i'm actively involved in the church and not paying a cent of taxes.

Hell, I'd like to see them TRY to audit my ass. I wish THEY WOULD. But if the dirty IRS wants to jeopardize their shot at eternal bliss with the FSM, beer volocanos and stripper factories, i guess that's their business. Your move Uncle Sam.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M A NON-RACIST

The KKK was battered to the fringes of society... We've changed our discourse on race,

MORALS COME FROM A MAGICAL GUY WITH THREATS

"Name me an ethical action, or moral statement made by a believer that could not have been made or performed non-believer...

Now if i asked any audience if they can name a wicked action undertaken or wicked statement made because of religion ... no one has a moments hesitation."

If i was intelligent and religious ... i think i'd renounce my religion approximately .0009 seconds after i heard that statement. Of course in order to be religious, you generally like to ignore intelligence and logic to remain so. But hey ... if you're gonna make an omelette, you have to break a few church boys' be-hymens*... Wait, maybe i got that wrong. It's something like that though.


*credit: Adam Carolla coined the phrase "be-hymen" in reference losing one's anal virginity

INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR LIFE IS LIKE IKEA FURNITURE WITH A BAG OF SCREWS MISSING

Who cares if that guy is his uncle ... the minute you find out someone has a indigo drawer you burn them. They are a witch. Burn them, preferably alive before their horns sprout.

P.S. Best YouTube ever.

INDY-TUCKY STILL PLAYING CATCH-UP ON THAT WHOLE "SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE" THING

Just drove back from Indiana and these plates have been there for a year or so now i guess. According to this nerd blog, unlike other things like wildlife conservation or something real like that, the "God Plates" are on the house...

The lawsuit filed in Marion Superior Court claims the state Bureau of Motor Vehicles gives preferential treatment to motorists wanting the plates, which also feature the American flag, because they don’t have to pay the $15 administrative fee that the agency collects on sales of most other Indiana specialty plates.

Fun huh? Now you can announce to the world that you like to waste a quarter of your weekend singing with old people WITHOUT forking over $14.95 for a metal stick-on fish. God sure works in mysterious ways!

I went to church once, but they frown on getting a refill of the stale wine they serve and making out with hot chicks in the pews. JUST kidding! There aren't any hot chicks at church.


PS So yeah ... kinda busy ... so no posts in a while. But i'm pretty sure i'm the only one who reads them anyway, so i guess i'm only cheating myself really.

THIS IS HIGHLY OFFENSIVE

And you thought sex in video games was bad! ... Yahoo says:

LittleBigPlanet, one of this year's most-anticipated PlayStation 3 releases, won't be arriving in stores next week as expected.

The "social platforming" game is already gathering rave reviews, but it hasn't proven popular with one Muslim group, which issued a complaint to the game's publisher Sony concerning one background music track. Performed by award-winning Malian musician Toumani Diabate, the song quotes two verses from the Qur'an. Many Muslims consider the mixing of music and scripture to be deeply offensive.

Although the game is already pressed, packaged, and reportedly sitting in the back rooms of many worldwide retailers awaiting its original Oct. 21 debut, gamers eager to get hold of it will have to wait at least another week while the offending content is expunged. Updated versions of the game are expected to be shipped to stores during the week of October 27.

Wow are these game makers serious!!!? How dare they draw inspiration for their silly, imaginary, fictional game from a silly, imaginary, story of the Qur'an?! Actually, from what i've seen of this game, the events within it look a lot more likely to take place in real life.

It might have something to do with me not being Muslim, but this doesn't sound nearly as offensive as what Kid Rock did to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Sweet Home Alabama. Now THAT was a gang rape of a classic text.

The real question is, how did any Muslims find out two obsure verses in a video game that isn't even released yet? I'm no expert on Islam, but i'm pretty sure you can't even play video games legally. I mean ... unless there's a video game where the object is to see how many women you can enslave and wrap up like mummies so you won't fall victim to their sinfulness, with built-in pauses every 45 minutes as prayer reminders.... but i can't say i've seen a game like that.