ECLIPSES ARE SCARY, MOST LIKELY EVIL

An eclipse! How exciting! ... Too bad it was in Asia...

Millions of people across Asia have witnessed the longest total solar eclipse of the 21st century with a mixture of excitement and religious fervor. Millions of others shut themselves in doors, fearing a bad omen.

Ho...LY....Shit. It's just like that scene from Apocalypto! Except for the fact that's it's 2009. It's fucking 2009. I'm sure you know 2009... It's that year that's hundreds of years AFTER we discovered the scientific reasons for an eclipse! Yup... that one.

Tens of thousands of Hindus bathed in the waters of the river Ganges in northern India, seeking spiritual purification during the eclipse. A stampede erupted among the crowd in the city of Varanasi, killing an elderly woman and injuring several other people.

Well, what are ya gonna do? I guess that was just god's plan for that elderly lady... to get trampled by a bunch of fucking morons.

Some expectant mothers in India asked doctors to re-schedule caesarian deliveries, fearing that giving birth on the day of the eclipse would lead to complications.

Um... So wait... you trust science to cut your gut open with a knife to unnaturally deliver your baby, but not to explain the natural reasons for why an eclipse happens? .... you do? OK ... just so we're clear. I officially surrender. You can't reason with logic like this.

PRIEST IS SUPER SEXY, THIEF

Raawwwwwr! Hey little boys Ladies! Say hello to super-sexy Rev. William Blasingame! He's VERY single and ready to mingle! Don't be shy!

A 66-year-old Staten Island pastor trying desperately to turn back the clock ripped off nearly $85,000 from his congregation to pay for plastic surgery, Botox shots and fancy clothes, authorities said yesterday.

"He is a favorite of the elderly and 65-plus crowd," a law-enforcement source said. "He was a real schmoozer."

Sexy clothes and shiny plastic face? I think the Rev. and I might visiting very different web sites during our "happy alone time."

God damn it! When i put money in the collection plate, i assumed i was paying good money for a completely invisible product, and helping to buy my way into heaven.

Speaking of, this whole religion thing really is pure genius. Having an invisible product with no real overhead is a pretty sure-fire way to make it through the recession.

I'M AN FSM MINISTER, NO TAXES PLEASE

So i was getting my money back from the government raping my paycheck all year doing my taxes this weekend and came across the page above. I've obviously heard about tax exemptions for religion, but they always seemed like a distant myth that doesn't actually happen in real life... like a cheetah running 60 mph or Christian being intelligent .... So obviously it was kinda jarring to come face-to-face with it.

"If you are minister, member of a religious order, or notary public and would like to make an adjustment to the self-employer tax, click the SE Adjustment button."

So yeah, I consider myself a minister for the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I made shirts, i posted my status as a pasfarian on facebook. And if you know as much about the Holy script of the FSM as i do, you'd know a HUGE part being pastafarian is not doing anything at all! Thus i'm actively involved in the church and not paying a cent of taxes.

Hell, I'd like to see them TRY to audit my ass. I wish THEY WOULD. But if the dirty IRS wants to jeopardize their shot at eternal bliss with the FSM, beer volocanos and stripper factories, i guess that's their business. Your move Uncle Sam.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M A NON-RACIST

The KKK was battered to the fringes of society... We've changed our discourse on race,

MORALS COME FROM A MAGICAL GUY WITH THREATS

"Name me an ethical action, or moral statement made by a believer that could not have been made or performed non-believer...

Now if i asked any audience if they can name a wicked action undertaken or wicked statement made because of religion ... no one has a moments hesitation."

If i was intelligent and religious ... i think i'd renounce my religion approximately .0009 seconds after i heard that statement. Of course in order to be religious, you generally like to ignore intelligence and logic to remain so. But hey ... if you're gonna make an omelette, you have to break a few church boys' be-hymens*... Wait, maybe i got that wrong. It's something like that though.


*credit: Adam Carolla coined the phrase "be-hymen" in reference losing one's anal virginity

INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR LIFE IS LIKE IKEA FURNITURE WITH A BAG OF SCREWS MISSING

Who cares if that guy is his uncle ... the minute you find out someone has a indigo drawer you burn them. They are a witch. Burn them, preferably alive before their horns sprout.

P.S. Best YouTube ever.

INDY-TUCKY STILL PLAYING CATCH-UP ON THAT WHOLE "SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE" THING

Just drove back from Indiana and these plates have been there for a year or so now i guess. According to this nerd blog, unlike other things like wildlife conservation or something real like that, the "God Plates" are on the house...

The lawsuit filed in Marion Superior Court claims the state Bureau of Motor Vehicles gives preferential treatment to motorists wanting the plates, which also feature the American flag, because they don’t have to pay the $15 administrative fee that the agency collects on sales of most other Indiana specialty plates.

Fun huh? Now you can announce to the world that you like to waste a quarter of your weekend singing with old people WITHOUT forking over $14.95 for a metal stick-on fish. God sure works in mysterious ways!

I went to church once, but they frown on getting a refill of the stale wine they serve and making out with hot chicks in the pews. JUST kidding! There aren't any hot chicks at church.


PS So yeah ... kinda busy ... so no posts in a while. But i'm pretty sure i'm the only one who reads them anyway, so i guess i'm only cheating myself really.

THIS IS HIGHLY OFFENSIVE

And you thought sex in video games was bad! ... Yahoo says:

LittleBigPlanet, one of this year's most-anticipated PlayStation 3 releases, won't be arriving in stores next week as expected.

The "social platforming" game is already gathering rave reviews, but it hasn't proven popular with one Muslim group, which issued a complaint to the game's publisher Sony concerning one background music track. Performed by award-winning Malian musician Toumani Diabate, the song quotes two verses from the Qur'an. Many Muslims consider the mixing of music and scripture to be deeply offensive.

Although the game is already pressed, packaged, and reportedly sitting in the back rooms of many worldwide retailers awaiting its original Oct. 21 debut, gamers eager to get hold of it will have to wait at least another week while the offending content is expunged. Updated versions of the game are expected to be shipped to stores during the week of October 27.

Wow are these game makers serious!!!? How dare they draw inspiration for their silly, imaginary, fictional game from a silly, imaginary, story of the Qur'an?! Actually, from what i've seen of this game, the events within it look a lot more likely to take place in real life.

It might have something to do with me not being Muslim, but this doesn't sound nearly as offensive as what Kid Rock did to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Sweet Home Alabama. Now THAT was a gang rape of a classic text.

The real question is, how did any Muslims find out two obsure verses in a video game that isn't even released yet? I'm no expert on Islam, but i'm pretty sure you can't even play video games legally. I mean ... unless there's a video game where the object is to see how many women you can enslave and wrap up like mummies so you won't fall victim to their sinfulness, with built-in pauses every 45 minutes as prayer reminders.... but i can't say i've seen a game like that.

JENNIFER LOPEZ WOULDN'T MIND HER KIDS BECOMING SCIENTOLOGISTS

OK, so this isn't a picture of Jennifer Lopez. But i read a survey than 99/100 penises prefer Jessica Biel. True story. plus her name start with a "J," so that's close enough right? And I don't want J-Lo's ugly ass sitting at the top of my nerd blog for 3 weeks, when i continue to slack off and never make new posts.

Anyway self-important Jennifer Lopez was interviewed in something called the Daily Beast with the following..

On Scientology
Lopez’s father has been a Scientologist for more than 20 years, and she is frequently seen with converts including Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Leah Remini.

JL: “I do know a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is and all that kind of stuff. It’s very helpful. So in a sense, yeah, you do call on it.”

“Do you consider yourself a Scientologist?”
JL: “No…I wouldn't have a problem saying [I was] because I know what it is. I have no problems with it and it really actually bothers me that people have such a negative feeling towards it.”

“That it is too exotic? Too cultish?
JL: “Just negative feelings.”

“Would you consider schooling Emme and Max in a Scientology school?”
JL: “Yeah. I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful…It’s all about communication. That’s the thing I really don’t like about talking about this. I do know so many great people who do do it, who choose it as a lifestyle and really follow it and it is their religion…I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.”

Really J-Ho? Do YOU know what it is? According to Wikipedia:

"Among these advanced teachings, one episode revealed to those who reach OT level III is the story of Xenu (sometimes Xemu), introduced as an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy." According to this story, 75 million years ago Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living and continue to do this today. Hubbard called these clustered spirits "Body Thetans," and advanced-level Scientologists place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects."

Scientology actually sounds like it would make a good super-nerdy RPG video game. I guess this really isn't any more far-fetched putting two of every animal in a boat, so have fun with that.. Someone should get on that. Million dollar idea!

You can't judge anyone! That's what i've learned today. Tribes in Africa that practice female genital mutilation. Can't judge them! It's their cultural tradition!

I think I'll start my own cultural tradition of robbing banks, and get a few moron "celebrities" to back me in my culture. Then in 50 years of getting away with it, you can't judge me! Hooooraaaay!

I GUESS WE DON'T NEED TO PRAY, JUST TO MAKE IT TODAY

I guess everyone isn't on board with George W. Bush's economic policy:

The nation's largest group of atheists and agnostics is suing President Bush and other officials over the federal law mandating the National Day of Prayer. The Freedom of Religion Foundation filed suit last week, claiming the president's call to Americans to pray violates the constitutional ban on government officials promoting religion.

Did i say economic policy? Oops. I meant government-mandated prayer. Whatever. Why worry about details?

I'm not sure why this foundation is wasting their time suing them. Everyone knows they're flat broke. It's like trying to run on an icy sidewalk in front of the homeless shelter and fall down so you can sue them ... really not worth the time. Although On 2nd thought, maybe they could just pass another elevendy billion dollar bail-out to pay off the atheists? Hmmm.

MOST AMERICANS BELIEVE IN GUARDIAN ANGELS

I tried to come up with a funnier headline than the one from the actual "news" story from ABC, but failed miserably. Here's a video even. I seriously feel like I'm taking crazy pills:

More than half of all adults, including one in five of those who say they are not religious, believe that they have been protected by a guardian angel during their life, according to a new survey by Baylor University's Institute for Studies of Religion.

The survey polled 1,700 respondents of diverse religious faiths: evangelical Protestants, black Protestants, mainline Protestants, Catholics and Jews.

I wasn't going to have kids, but now i think i might. I'll home school them and tell them how the earth, creatures and humans were created by Bug People that live in the crust of the planet Mars. And how earth is just one big video game that the Bug People control.

But what about when they go off to college? My guess is that fortunately for their sakes: an EFFING ANGEL will drop down out of the sky and tell them the truth about the "real god" and they'll suddenly believe in the Jesus stuff, instantly erasing their minds of the Mars Bug People stories i had filtered into their growing brains the past 18 years.

I do have one question though for the people that claim to have interacted with angels: Will they still "be your guardian" and help you out if you immediately start masturbating upon them showing their presence? I feel like this could be a problem if the angel looks anything like Adriana Lima ... so i want to be prepared.

BIG MIDTERM EXAM COMING UP FOR YOUR FAIRY TALE RELIGIONS

SARAH PALIN HAS A CREATOR ... ALSO HAS A DAUGHTER THAT LIKES TO GET DOWN

Back in the Anchorage Daily News in 2006, Palin was quoted trying to backtrack about wanting Creationism taught alongside Evolution in public schools:

"It's OK to let kids know that there are theories out there," she said in the interview. "They gain information just by being in a discussion."

That was how she was brought up, she said. Her father was a public school science teacher.

"My dad did talk a lot about his theories of evolution," she said. "He would show us fossils and say, 'How old do you think these are?'

Asked for her personal views on evolution, Palin said, "I believe we have a creator."

She would not say whether her belief also allowed her to accept the theory of evolution as fact.

"I'm not going to pretend I know how all this came to be," she said.

She's "not going to pretend to know how this all came to be," but at the same time is going to pretend to know "we have a creator." I'm no logic master, but i think back-to-back statements like this aren't going help her out much in the presidential debates. Joe Biden must creaming his pants right now at the idea of going a few oral rounds with her this fall. (pun intended)

Maybe she should take some time off the Creationism and spend a little more effort getting Sex Ed. into her daughter's classroom.

BTW ... I feel so cheated growing up in such a liberal, non-religious school system. I missed out on so much conservative-repressed hot box... just waiting to act-out against their bible thumping parents.

PRAYING CAN LOWER GAS PRICES, PRODUCTIVITY

From the LA Times ...

Forget Congress. Forget President Bush. About four months ago, frustrated by the apparently immutable laws of supply and demand, Rocky Twyman turned to a higher authority in his quest for cheaper gasoline.

The recent dip in prices, he says, is proof of divine intervention.

"Prayer is the answer to every problem in life," said Twyman, founder of the Pray at the Pump movement, whose members huddle around gas pumps and ask the Almighty to lower gasoline prices.

I also find prayer is the answer for every problem. Hard work and a good attitude can only take you so far ... eventually it all comes down to praying. A few obvious examples ... "I'm praying the bank doesn't notice the missing mortgage payment this month. or I'm praying on the Lord's Holiness that her bikini top falls off in the surf ... or i'm praying with all my might that sticky grenade finds it's way across the entire board for a double kill on Halo 3" When prayers like those are answered, God's pretty irrefutable.

According to AAA, which tracks such matters, the average nationwide price for a gallon of gas Wednesday was $3.78 -- down from $4.10 a month ago, but still 25 cents higher than on April 23.

The prayer group's efforts began that day just a few blocks away, at the soup kitchen of First Seventh-day Adventist Church. When the soup kitchen's volunteers, many of them senior citizens, began talking about cutting back their time because they couldn't afford to drive, Twyman said, "God just impressed me to take them over to the pump, and the rest is history."

I think that's awesome the lower gases prices allowed those people to volunteer again at the kitchen. It's almost like God knew that lower gas prices would specifically help out the soup kitchen. And then i assume God kept these new lower gas prices secret from atheists?

Now that they've solved gas prices could someone get these people to shift their prayers to Wall Street? My Large Cap is killing my 401K over here.

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

What you call a cruel man using foolish faith to fleece gullible people of their money ... i call great showmanship! I think if you can find a way to make grip-loads of money pushing down Jesus freaks and elederly ladies, more power to you. That's like 2 steps removed from figuring out how feel up breasts for a living.

"IT'S A LOUSY NIGHT TO BE AN ATHEIST"

So I was enjoying the hell out of watching Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers blast 28 home runs in the Derby last night, when ass-clown Rick Reilly dropped this gem from the announcing booth:

"He beat Cocaine and Heroin addiction, found Religion and made it back to the big leagues. It's a bad night to be an atheist."

Classic! I like how it's still perfectly OK to openly discriminate against atheism. Good times!

In related news since straight-white-Christian Josh Hamilton hit 28 HRs in one round, it was a REALLY bad night to be a Black Gay Muslim.

INNOCENT CRACKERS TAKEN HOSTAGE

On a scale of 1-10, how lame is it to blog about a news story about another blog? I'm not sure so i'm going to do it anyway...

A Minnesota university instructor and avowed atheist is jousting with a national Catholic watch dog group over a smuggled communion wafer, which the associate professor dismisses as a "frackin’ cracker."

Paul Z. Myers, who teaches biology at the University of Minnesota, Morris, on his blog this week expressed amazement that a Florida college student who briefly took a wafer "hostage" from a church ceremony has been receiving death threats for an action that was characterized "a hate crime" by the Catholic League.

Paul ... come on man! It's much more than a cracker sir! Some guy in a robe that can't have sex waved his hand over it and now it's the body of Christ! Everyone knows that.

This reminds me of a book i read where this old woman with face warts lived in a house by herself in the forest. She was cooking something in a big cauldron with steam was pouring over the edges. I don't remember the whole story, but a big part of it involved her picking apples from the trees surrounding her house and then waving her hand over them so they became "enchanted." Anyway i can imagine she would have been pissed off if someone took her apples and held them hostage. She was pretty scary looking, so without her apples, how would she lure small children into her house?

BEST QUOTE EVER?

I contend that we are both atheists.
I just believe in one fewer god than you do.
When you understand why you dismiss all other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours.
—Stephen Henry Roberts

I couldn't find any pictures of Stephen Henry Roberts, so i'm going to just make the safe assumption that he looks a lot like Olivia Munn.

Damn it Olivia, are you going to stop stalking me or am i going to have to renew the restraining order against you? I get it. You want to jump my super-sexy muscles. But in order to court me, i need you to stimulate my mind with engaging conversation first. I'm not a piece of meat.

iPOD OR GOD? ... TOUGH CALL

He'd like to stay 17 or 18 the rest of his life? Join the club buddy. When the original Amish founders were making up the story about their religion they should have put something in it about "you'll stay 17 forever if you follow our teachings." I imagine that would have been pretty popular.

Also, I tried to listen to an ipod once, but the ear-bud wires turned into giant serpents and starting spitting out flames until my ears were severely burned. I hate when devil does that kind of stuff, but i had to respect his craftiness and creativity on that one. Good one devil ... good one.

R.I.P. GEORGE CARLIN

"The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things — bad language and whatever — it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition," Carlin told the AP in a 2004 interview. "There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. ... It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have."

— George Carlin

Exactly. Kudos to a man that didn't follow a practice that teaches you be ashamed of being human.