MOST AMERICANS BELIEVE IN GUARDIAN ANGELS

I tried to come up with a funnier headline than the one from the actual "news" story from ABC, but failed miserably. Here's a video even. I seriously feel like I'm taking crazy pills:

More than half of all adults, including one in five of those who say they are not religious, believe that they have been protected by a guardian angel during their life, according to a new survey by Baylor University's Institute for Studies of Religion.

The survey polled 1,700 respondents of diverse religious faiths: evangelical Protestants, black Protestants, mainline Protestants, Catholics and Jews.

I wasn't going to have kids, but now i think i might. I'll home school them and tell them how the earth, creatures and humans were created by Bug People that live in the crust of the planet Mars. And how earth is just one big video game that the Bug People control.

But what about when they go off to college? My guess is that fortunately for their sakes: an EFFING ANGEL will drop down out of the sky and tell them the truth about the "real god" and they'll suddenly believe in the Jesus stuff, instantly erasing their minds of the Mars Bug People stories i had filtered into their growing brains the past 18 years.

I do have one question though for the people that claim to have interacted with angels: Will they still "be your guardian" and help you out if you immediately start masturbating upon them showing their presence? I feel like this could be a problem if the angel looks anything like Adriana Lima ... so i want to be prepared.

BIG MIDTERM EXAM COMING UP FOR YOUR FAIRY TALE RELIGIONS

SARAH PALIN HAS A CREATOR ... ALSO HAS A DAUGHTER THAT LIKES TO GET DOWN

Back in the Anchorage Daily News in 2006, Palin was quoted trying to backtrack about wanting Creationism taught alongside Evolution in public schools:

"It's OK to let kids know that there are theories out there," she said in the interview. "They gain information just by being in a discussion."

That was how she was brought up, she said. Her father was a public school science teacher.

"My dad did talk a lot about his theories of evolution," she said. "He would show us fossils and say, 'How old do you think these are?'

Asked for her personal views on evolution, Palin said, "I believe we have a creator."

She would not say whether her belief also allowed her to accept the theory of evolution as fact.

"I'm not going to pretend I know how all this came to be," she said.

She's "not going to pretend to know how this all came to be," but at the same time is going to pretend to know "we have a creator." I'm no logic master, but i think back-to-back statements like this aren't going help her out much in the presidential debates. Joe Biden must creaming his pants right now at the idea of going a few oral rounds with her this fall. (pun intended)

Maybe she should take some time off the Creationism and spend a little more effort getting Sex Ed. into her daughter's classroom.

BTW ... I feel so cheated growing up in such a liberal, non-religious school system. I missed out on so much conservative-repressed hot box... just waiting to act-out against their bible thumping parents.