ECLIPSES ARE SCARY, MOST LIKELY EVIL

An eclipse! How exciting! ... Too bad it was in Asia...

Millions of people across Asia have witnessed the longest total solar eclipse of the 21st century with a mixture of excitement and religious fervor. Millions of others shut themselves in doors, fearing a bad omen.

Ho...LY....Shit. It's just like that scene from Apocalypto! Except for the fact that's it's 2009. It's fucking 2009. I'm sure you know 2009... It's that year that's hundreds of years AFTER we discovered the scientific reasons for an eclipse! Yup... that one.

Tens of thousands of Hindus bathed in the waters of the river Ganges in northern India, seeking spiritual purification during the eclipse. A stampede erupted among the crowd in the city of Varanasi, killing an elderly woman and injuring several other people.

Well, what are ya gonna do? I guess that was just god's plan for that elderly lady... to get trampled by a bunch of fucking morons.

Some expectant mothers in India asked doctors to re-schedule caesarian deliveries, fearing that giving birth on the day of the eclipse would lead to complications.

Um... So wait... you trust science to cut your gut open with a knife to unnaturally deliver your baby, but not to explain the natural reasons for why an eclipse happens? .... you do? OK ... just so we're clear. I officially surrender. You can't reason with logic like this.

PRIEST IS SUPER SEXY, THIEF

Raawwwwwr! Hey little boys Ladies! Say hello to super-sexy Rev. William Blasingame! He's VERY single and ready to mingle! Don't be shy!

A 66-year-old Staten Island pastor trying desperately to turn back the clock ripped off nearly $85,000 from his congregation to pay for plastic surgery, Botox shots and fancy clothes, authorities said yesterday.

"He is a favorite of the elderly and 65-plus crowd," a law-enforcement source said. "He was a real schmoozer."

Sexy clothes and shiny plastic face? I think the Rev. and I might visiting very different web sites during our "happy alone time."

God damn it! When i put money in the collection plate, i assumed i was paying good money for a completely invisible product, and helping to buy my way into heaven.

Speaking of, this whole religion thing really is pure genius. Having an invisible product with no real overhead is a pretty sure-fire way to make it through the recession.

INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR LIFE IS LIKE IKEA FURNITURE WITH A BAG OF SCREWS MISSING

Who cares if that guy is his uncle ... the minute you find out someone has a indigo drawer you burn them. They are a witch. Burn them, preferably alive before their horns sprout.

P.S. Best YouTube ever.

INDY-TUCKY STILL PLAYING CATCH-UP ON THAT WHOLE "SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE" THING

Just drove back from Indiana and these plates have been there for a year or so now i guess. According to this nerd blog, unlike other things like wildlife conservation or something real like that, the "God Plates" are on the house...

The lawsuit filed in Marion Superior Court claims the state Bureau of Motor Vehicles gives preferential treatment to motorists wanting the plates, which also feature the American flag, because they don’t have to pay the $15 administrative fee that the agency collects on sales of most other Indiana specialty plates.

Fun huh? Now you can announce to the world that you like to waste a quarter of your weekend singing with old people WITHOUT forking over $14.95 for a metal stick-on fish. God sure works in mysterious ways!

I went to church once, but they frown on getting a refill of the stale wine they serve and making out with hot chicks in the pews. JUST kidding! There aren't any hot chicks at church.


PS So yeah ... kinda busy ... so no posts in a while. But i'm pretty sure i'm the only one who reads them anyway, so i guess i'm only cheating myself really.

MOST AMERICANS BELIEVE IN GUARDIAN ANGELS

I tried to come up with a funnier headline than the one from the actual "news" story from ABC, but failed miserably. Here's a video even. I seriously feel like I'm taking crazy pills:

More than half of all adults, including one in five of those who say they are not religious, believe that they have been protected by a guardian angel during their life, according to a new survey by Baylor University's Institute for Studies of Religion.

The survey polled 1,700 respondents of diverse religious faiths: evangelical Protestants, black Protestants, mainline Protestants, Catholics and Jews.

I wasn't going to have kids, but now i think i might. I'll home school them and tell them how the earth, creatures and humans were created by Bug People that live in the crust of the planet Mars. And how earth is just one big video game that the Bug People control.

But what about when they go off to college? My guess is that fortunately for their sakes: an EFFING ANGEL will drop down out of the sky and tell them the truth about the "real god" and they'll suddenly believe in the Jesus stuff, instantly erasing their minds of the Mars Bug People stories i had filtered into their growing brains the past 18 years.

I do have one question though for the people that claim to have interacted with angels: Will they still "be your guardian" and help you out if you immediately start masturbating upon them showing their presence? I feel like this could be a problem if the angel looks anything like Adriana Lima ... so i want to be prepared.

BIG MIDTERM EXAM COMING UP FOR YOUR FAIRY TALE RELIGIONS

PRAYING CAN LOWER GAS PRICES, PRODUCTIVITY

From the LA Times ...

Forget Congress. Forget President Bush. About four months ago, frustrated by the apparently immutable laws of supply and demand, Rocky Twyman turned to a higher authority in his quest for cheaper gasoline.

The recent dip in prices, he says, is proof of divine intervention.

"Prayer is the answer to every problem in life," said Twyman, founder of the Pray at the Pump movement, whose members huddle around gas pumps and ask the Almighty to lower gasoline prices.

I also find prayer is the answer for every problem. Hard work and a good attitude can only take you so far ... eventually it all comes down to praying. A few obvious examples ... "I'm praying the bank doesn't notice the missing mortgage payment this month. or I'm praying on the Lord's Holiness that her bikini top falls off in the surf ... or i'm praying with all my might that sticky grenade finds it's way across the entire board for a double kill on Halo 3" When prayers like those are answered, God's pretty irrefutable.

According to AAA, which tracks such matters, the average nationwide price for a gallon of gas Wednesday was $3.78 -- down from $4.10 a month ago, but still 25 cents higher than on April 23.

The prayer group's efforts began that day just a few blocks away, at the soup kitchen of First Seventh-day Adventist Church. When the soup kitchen's volunteers, many of them senior citizens, began talking about cutting back their time because they couldn't afford to drive, Twyman said, "God just impressed me to take them over to the pump, and the rest is history."

I think that's awesome the lower gases prices allowed those people to volunteer again at the kitchen. It's almost like God knew that lower gas prices would specifically help out the soup kitchen. And then i assume God kept these new lower gas prices secret from atheists?

Now that they've solved gas prices could someone get these people to shift their prayers to Wall Street? My Large Cap is killing my 401K over here.

'CAUSE YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH!

16-year-old Neil Beagley's family may as well have hit the repeat button on the song "Faith" by George Michael alongside Neil's hospital bed. I assume this is what is meant by faith healing.

Tuesday's death of 16-year-old Neil Beagley, however, may not be a crime because Oregon law allows minors 14 and older to decide for themselves whether to accept medical treatment.

"All of the interviews from last night are that he did in fact refuse treatment," police Sgt. Lynne Benton said Wednesday. "Unless we can disprove that, charges probably won't be filed in this case."

An autopsy Wednesday showed Beagley died of heart failure caused by a urinary tract blockage.

He likely had a congenital condition that constricted his urinary tract where the bladder empties into the urethra, and the condition of his organs indicates he had multiple blockages during his life, said Dr. Clifford Nelson, deputy state medical examiner for Clackamas County.

Nelson said a catheter would have saved the boy's life. If the condition had been dealt with earlier, a urologist could easily have removed the blockage and avoided the kidney damage that came with the repeated illnesses, Nelson said.

It seems like God is pretty vengeful. He keeps killing people with fairly simple illnesses that were cured a long time ago, no matter how many members of the congregation get together and pray for them?? What a jerk.

I'm not saying someone should drop a nasty case of Pneumonia on churches that endorse faith healing, so these amazingly stupid losers can't reproduce anymore ... but i'm not not saying it either.

BEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH EVER?

Yes, best acceptance speech ever.

In fairness, Jesus probably didn't have time to help out Kathy, because he was probably busy helping Kanye West, David Tyree and George Bush with war. Afterall ... there's only so many grace-giving hours in the day.

MY GOD COULD BEAT UP YOUR GOD

I have yet to hear a coherent answer from someone of any religion who can explain the phenomenon of all the different religions. Usually their answer goes something to the effect of ... "BAAAaaaaah, all the other religions are silly and wrong. My God's obviously the real one."

As a Christian can't you see that there are Muslims who are just as devout about their faith as you are with yours? Or is that what blind faith is all about? Not seeing others in the world around you.

RELIGION IS CHILD ABUSE, SOCCER

Adam Carolla strikes again. I can't wait to laugh at him on Dancing With the Stars on St. Patty's Day. Should be entertaining. He makes the important point again that Atheism isn't a "set of beliefs" itself. It's nothing. Religion is soccer, I don't have a team, i don't follow the entire sport of soccer.

He makes another great and obvious comparison with practicing a religion to following a sports team...

"I grew up in Wisconsin, i'm a Packers Fan. My Dad was a cheesehead, so who do you want me to root for? Wherever you were born, that's your team. That's 90% of where religious people fall."

That's fun that he used my Packers for the comparison!

Surprise fact about me: I went to high school in Green Bay. By religion's thought process, I feel bad for people not born in Wisconsin, because they don't know the one and only truth: The Packers are the team they should follow. People in Europe and Utah are just unlucky that they were born in places that didn't have Brett Favre. Maybe us Packer fans should send out Lombardi Witnesses that go door-to-door to Alabama and Oregon to "enlighten" these unfortunate people. Poor lost souls they are.

EXACTLY

Clearly the burden of proof is on non-believers. Prove to me that Moses parting the sea, God speaking to him as a burning bush, the immaculate conception and Noah fitting elevendy billion animals on his arch DIDN'T happen. You have no proof ... none. Jesus wins! Yaaaaaaay!

SOUTH PARK IS NOT NOT ENTERTAINING

Just watch to the 5:20 mark here. Good times...



To be completely fair, I think all religions are just about equally dumb. That's what i heart about South Park, they hit everyone. Even atheists in that one episode where the 2 atheist groups are fighting over what to call themselves. Hilarious.

I like how Muslims can't have sex or "jack off." Does anyone involved in religion see a pattern where repressed sexuality ends in disaster? I mean it's human/mammal instinct and biology to want sex. I think it's on the list somewhere after food and maybe before shelter.

How many priests have to molest school children before it's obvious that their profession isn't playing a role? OK, OK, you're right, we should investigate Ice Cream Truck drivers too. Fine.

DAVID TYREE LOVES HIM SOME JESUS

As he says in the video, "How many people heard of David Tyree before the Super Bowl?" (Well I have, because I'm an NFL junkie. But if you didn't know, he's the guy that made that fantastic catch against his helmet to keep the drive going and beat those dirty, cheating Patriots.

I think it's pretty clear at this point that the Patriots DID cheat for sure. Why else would God manifest himself into the form of the Giants 4th wide receiving option, and beat them single handedly?

Well I'm big Packers fan ... So now if you'll excuse me, I have to write Donald Driver and Brett Favre and make sure they're giving God enough glory, so that Jesus lets the Packers win next year.

P.S. Best ... jersey .... ever. Is that one of those Euro hockey league teams? I'm surprised they're not on TV more.

THERE'S NO BACK DOOR TO HEAVEN

I'm a little confused why the song is named "The Bible Says." The main chorus tends to disagree.

While being gay is obviously a choice ... this dude HAD to have been BORN into that mustache. No one one would choose something that cheeseball.

Vegas has the line 1.5-to-1 that this pink shirt dude is gay himself. It seems the self-hater-type gay likes to broadcast to the world how bad it is to be gay. Where did i get that crazy idea?

WHO WANTS TO TAILGATE THIS WEEKEND?

Great news guys! The Westboro Baptist Church is coming to our state here in Minnesota to protest the funeral of a soldier that died in Afghanistan. Sounds like great fun!

It's kind of a haul from the Twin Cities so, I'm going to get over there a little early to get some beers and brats on the grill going while i paint up my "God Hates America" sign. Who's in?

We get it already Westboro Church ... Instead of making up signs that read "God Hates Fags" ... you may as write ones that read "Look at ME! I'm so extreme and edgy and controversial!"

Although writing this on my hugely popular blog just gave them a ton more exposure! What a fool! I've played right into their hands!

5 THINGS I LEARNED AT JESUS CAMP

Paraphrasing from the directors...

1. There are 80-100 million Evangelicals in the U.S. and the kids in this movie aren't just fringe wackos living far away from civilization. These are fairly mainstream people in the suburbs that go to Starbucks and shop at the GAP.

2. I don't think it's ever been more obvious that religion wouldn't exist if parents didn't shove it down the throats of their children. In the film, all sides pretty much admit this. These kids are pretty cute ... Makes it all the more sad the cycle goes on generation after generation. It's child abuse really, not letting them develop a self of themselves and the world without jamming dogma into it every step of the way.

3. Harry Potter is an enemy of God.

4. If you present an unbiased view of abortion to elementary children, they all will pray with you that it ends.

5. You have to ask God to bless your audio-visual equipment to ensure everything stays in working order.

(You could go on and on about this movie ... blah blah blah ... whatever your belief ... it's powerful ... go watch it. Like you haven't already ... what took me so long?)

GOD HATES WINDOW WASHER'S BROTHER

(This is an old story, but hey i just started so like Bill Lumberg ... i'm sorta playing catch-up.)

Doctors say they have never seen anything like it: A window washer who fell 47 stories from the roof of a Manhattan skyscraper is now awake, talking to his family and expected to walk again. Alcides Moreno, 37, plummeted almost 500 feet in a Dec. 7 scaffolding collapse that killed his brother.

His wife, Rosario Moreno, cried as she thanked the doctors and nurses who kept him alive.

"Thank God for the miracle that we had," she said. "He keeps telling me that it just wasn't his time."

Man, it's too bad God hated his brother. I mean God was RIGHT THERE because he had to save Alcides since he obviously has a great plan for him and needed him to live. So since he was in neighborhood, AND they fell at the same time, why not save both brothers? O'well, maybe his brother sinned more?

I can't wait to see God's Great Plan for Alcides Moreno. I assuming he's going to cure cancer or something. Either that or sue everyone possible and tax the legal system for years. It's a toss up really.

(P.S. This is actually an amazing, fantastic story. What are the chances of him falling just right in order to live?)

WHY IS ADAM CAROLLA SUCH A GENIUS?

"Because he didn't have religious dogma funneled up his ass as a young person!"

That's the reason he gives for being an atheist.

In addition to being an genius, ironically, Adam Carolla is great carpenter. Jesus would be proud! In addition to wood working skills he also hosts my favorite radio show out in L.A. He covers all kinds of topics with all kinds of guests, occasionally delving into religion. It's available for free on itunes.

"A few thousand years ago if i came up with a religion or God that said 'everything's good, you do onto others, and you love your neighbor, and you stay outta trouble and then when you die that's about it... you turn into dirt'... you tell ME IF that CONCEPT would have been embraced?"

How does he puts things this eloquently off the top of his head?? Seriously. It takes me an hour to write a stupid post on here. I hate you Adam, I by "hate you" i mean "Hate you" the same way Vikings fans hate Brett Favre. I secretly want Adam to take snaps from me and win ME a Super Bowl.

WHEN GOD MADE THIS ATHEIST CHICK, HE ADDED 2 EXTRA SCOOPS OF AWESOMENESS

I'd say Nikki here is a super-sexy atheist, but that's kind of redundant. It's like saying "that swimmer is all wet." All Atheists are super-sexy. Duh.

This Leviticus guy sounds like he could use an update. When God wrote the bible, instead of writing about how you can't wear 2 fabrics at once, he should have thrown something in about ipods. Young people love ipods! And maybe they could brainwash people easierRRR I MEAN, save young people through worship, if they knew the big Guy Upstairs was waiting with some cool next-gen iphone that they don't even have yet on earth?

Check out more Nikki videos. By all indications, she couldn't be much more awesomer than she already is.