EXACTLY

Clearly the burden of proof is on non-believers. Prove to me that Moses parting the sea, God speaking to him as a burning bush, the immaculate conception and Noah fitting elevendy billion animals on his arch DIDN'T happen. You have no proof ... none. Jesus wins! Yaaaaaaay!

GEORGIAN PASTORS JUST CAN'T SEEM TO STOP EFFING KIDS, FAMILY

Seriously ... For pastors, having sex with kids must be more addictive than cigarettes and cocaine combined.

I heard this story on the radio today and couldn't believe the coincidence after my last post like an hour ago.

Decatur pastor faces at least 25 years in prison after being convicted of aggravated sexual battery and child molestation of his 15-year-old foster child, authorities said.

DeKalb County prosecutors contend Bishop Frederick Kelley, who headed Greater New Macedonia Church of God in Christ, had a history of child molestation and rape involving family members going back 35 years.

So naturally i had to mention it on here. But when I googled "Decatur, GA pastor" to find it ... this story was listed FIRST! Meaning the one i heard about on the radio TODAY wasn't even the first Decatur-church-sex-scandal google found! I guess they were a good 7 days apart though.

Could you even make that up?

In addition to somehow fathering his nephew (impressive!)...

The archbishop, his brother and the church are being sued by former church employee Mona Brewer, who says Earl Paulk manipulated her into an affair from 1989 to 2003 by telling her it was her only path to salvation. Earl Paulk admitted to the affair in front of the church last January.

Damn! I wish i could have found some girl(s) dumb enough to believe that the only path to salvation is through my penis. Where were these girls when i was in high school?

Really Mona? Really? Next your going to tell me Earl convinced you that when you die you drive through big pearly gates into a magical fairy land where all your dreams come true.

SOUTH PARK IS NOT NOT ENTERTAINING

Just watch to the 5:20 mark here. Good times...



To be completely fair, I think all religions are just about equally dumb. That's what i heart about South Park, they hit everyone. Even atheists in that one episode where the 2 atheist groups are fighting over what to call themselves. Hilarious.

I like how Muslims can't have sex or "jack off." Does anyone involved in religion see a pattern where repressed sexuality ends in disaster? I mean it's human/mammal instinct and biology to want sex. I think it's on the list somewhere after food and maybe before shelter.

How many priests have to molest school children before it's obvious that their profession isn't playing a role? OK, OK, you're right, we should investigate Ice Cream Truck drivers too. Fine.

DAVID TYREE LOVES HIM SOME JESUS

As he says in the video, "How many people heard of David Tyree before the Super Bowl?" (Well I have, because I'm an NFL junkie. But if you didn't know, he's the guy that made that fantastic catch against his helmet to keep the drive going and beat those dirty, cheating Patriots.

I think it's pretty clear at this point that the Patriots DID cheat for sure. Why else would God manifest himself into the form of the Giants 4th wide receiving option, and beat them single handedly?

Well I'm big Packers fan ... So now if you'll excuse me, I have to write Donald Driver and Brett Favre and make sure they're giving God enough glory, so that Jesus lets the Packers win next year.

P.S. Best ... jersey .... ever. Is that one of those Euro hockey league teams? I'm surprised they're not on TV more.

RELIGIOUS SCHOOL EJECTS BASKETBALL REF FROM GAME FOR ILLEGAL VAGINA-HAVING

Kansas activities officials are investigating a religious school's refusal to let a female referee call a boys' high school basketball game.

The Kansas State High School Activities Association said referees reported that Michelle Campbell was preparing to officiate at St. Mary's Academy near Topeka on Feb. 2 when a school official insisted that Campbell could not call the game.

The reason given, according to the referees: Campbell, as a woman, could not be put in a position of authority over boys because of the academy's beliefs.

Earth to Michelle Campbell! Why would you think that God would give you the right to call a 3-second violation on a 10th grader? As woman you'd be easily corrupted with that kind of power over "men."

In a related story, I remember one time in Little League where i hit deep ball in the left-centerfield gap. Since i was so awesomely fast i thought i'd stretch my triple into a inside-the-park home run right? Duh. Anyway, the home plate umpire was a chick and she called me out at the plate, even though i slid in a good second before the tag. Where were you on that one Jesus? Thanks for nothing.

MORE LIKE VALEN-SINS-DAY

Saudi Arabia has asked florists and gift shops to remove all red items until after Valentine's Day, calling the celebration of such a holiday a sin, local media reported Monday.

"As Muslims we shouldn't celebrate a non-Muslim celebration, especially this one that encourages immoral relations between unmarried men and women," Sheikh Khaled Al-Dossari, a scholar in Islamic studies, told the Saudi Gazette, an English-language newspaper.

So who knew after all this time ... I'm Muslim! Terrible news sweetie ... I had to cancel our reservations at Morton's Steakhouse and return the red dozen I got you. During my morning prayer facing east to the Holy Land, I asked Allah, and he was pretty clear that he wanted me to spend the $200 i had allocated for our big night on something much less sinful. If fact, he told me to buy Rock Band for Xstation 360. Praise Allah!

Under Saudi law, women are subject to numerous restrictions, including a prohibition against driving and a requirement that they get a man's permission to travel or have surgery.

A businesswoman told the Times of London this month that she was detained and strip-searched by the religious police for holding a meeting in a coffee shop with male colleagues.

Wait? Women only need a simple permission slip from a man and then they're allowed to drive or travel? Jesus! That's madness. There must be accidents all the time in Saudi Arabia with women driving all over the place.

Also this "religious police" sounds kinda sexy. There's always hot girls at Starbucks whom i wouldn't mind stripping down.

Oh and Sweetie ... you have my permission to get that boob job.

THERE'S NO BACK DOOR TO HEAVEN

I'm a little confused why the song is named "The Bible Says." The main chorus tends to disagree.

While being gay is obviously a choice ... this dude HAD to have been BORN into that mustache. No one one would choose something that cheeseball.

Vegas has the line 1.5-to-1 that this pink shirt dude is gay himself. It seems the self-hater-type gay likes to broadcast to the world how bad it is to be gay. Where did i get that crazy idea?

WHO WANTS TO TAILGATE THIS WEEKEND?

Great news guys! The Westboro Baptist Church is coming to our state here in Minnesota to protest the funeral of a soldier that died in Afghanistan. Sounds like great fun!

It's kind of a haul from the Twin Cities so, I'm going to get over there a little early to get some beers and brats on the grill going while i paint up my "God Hates America" sign. Who's in?

We get it already Westboro Church ... Instead of making up signs that read "God Hates Fags" ... you may as write ones that read "Look at ME! I'm so extreme and edgy and controversial!"

Although writing this on my hugely popular blog just gave them a ton more exposure! What a fool! I've played right into their hands!

5 THINGS I LEARNED AT JESUS CAMP

Paraphrasing from the directors...

1. There are 80-100 million Evangelicals in the U.S. and the kids in this movie aren't just fringe wackos living far away from civilization. These are fairly mainstream people in the suburbs that go to Starbucks and shop at the GAP.

2. I don't think it's ever been more obvious that religion wouldn't exist if parents didn't shove it down the throats of their children. In the film, all sides pretty much admit this. These kids are pretty cute ... Makes it all the more sad the cycle goes on generation after generation. It's child abuse really, not letting them develop a self of themselves and the world without jamming dogma into it every step of the way.

3. Harry Potter is an enemy of God.

4. If you present an unbiased view of abortion to elementary children, they all will pray with you that it ends.

5. You have to ask God to bless your audio-visual equipment to ensure everything stays in working order.

(You could go on and on about this movie ... blah blah blah ... whatever your belief ... it's powerful ... go watch it. Like you haven't already ... what took me so long?)

GOD HATES WINDOW WASHER'S BROTHER

(This is an old story, but hey i just started so like Bill Lumberg ... i'm sorta playing catch-up.)

Doctors say they have never seen anything like it: A window washer who fell 47 stories from the roof of a Manhattan skyscraper is now awake, talking to his family and expected to walk again. Alcides Moreno, 37, plummeted almost 500 feet in a Dec. 7 scaffolding collapse that killed his brother.

His wife, Rosario Moreno, cried as she thanked the doctors and nurses who kept him alive.

"Thank God for the miracle that we had," she said. "He keeps telling me that it just wasn't his time."

Man, it's too bad God hated his brother. I mean God was RIGHT THERE because he had to save Alcides since he obviously has a great plan for him and needed him to live. So since he was in neighborhood, AND they fell at the same time, why not save both brothers? O'well, maybe his brother sinned more?

I can't wait to see God's Great Plan for Alcides Moreno. I assuming he's going to cure cancer or something. Either that or sue everyone possible and tax the legal system for years. It's a toss up really.

(P.S. This is actually an amazing, fantastic story. What are the chances of him falling just right in order to live?)

WHY IS ADAM CAROLLA SUCH A GENIUS?

"Because he didn't have religious dogma funneled up his ass as a young person!"

That's the reason he gives for being an atheist.

In addition to being an genius, ironically, Adam Carolla is great carpenter. Jesus would be proud! In addition to wood working skills he also hosts my favorite radio show out in L.A. He covers all kinds of topics with all kinds of guests, occasionally delving into religion. It's available for free on itunes.

"A few thousand years ago if i came up with a religion or God that said 'everything's good, you do onto others, and you love your neighbor, and you stay outta trouble and then when you die that's about it... you turn into dirt'... you tell ME IF that CONCEPT would have been embraced?"

How does he puts things this eloquently off the top of his head?? Seriously. It takes me an hour to write a stupid post on here. I hate you Adam, I by "hate you" i mean "Hate you" the same way Vikings fans hate Brett Favre. I secretly want Adam to take snaps from me and win ME a Super Bowl.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, JOHN TRAVOLTA IS AN ASS

And I'm not even talking about dressing up as a 300-lb woman in some horrible movie remake. As seen in many articles across the web ...

According to the Church of Scientology, people with mental illnesses are "degraded" and capable of curing themselves by working harder on the church's teachings.

Tim Kenny, the father of a 4-year-old autistic girl who lives close to the Travolta estate, says that he was introduced the actor in February "as one autistic child's father to another" but that Travolta was in denial.

"Scientology is keeping him from acknowledging his son's autism. They see it as a weakness," he says.

I happen to know a school psychologist pretty well. First of all, autism is not a mental illness. It is a genetic developmental social disorder. It's not black and white either, there are grades of severity with autism. It's not cured with drugs or anything, in fact, it's not cureable at all.

Basically, autistic kids are put into programs to help them overcome and build social skills. The sooner school psychologists are able to intervene and get them into a program right for them, the better chance they have of overcomming autism.

So there you have it! Dogma gets in the way fact-based science once again! And it's even called Scientology ...how ironic.

In related news ... in my religion (Bunsenism), you go to hell if you ingest any vitamin C. Sorry kids, you'll just have to pray that much harder if you want your scurvy to go away.

WHEN GOD MADE THIS ATHEIST CHICK, HE ADDED 2 EXTRA SCOOPS OF AWESOMENESS

I'd say Nikki here is a super-sexy atheist, but that's kind of redundant. It's like saying "that swimmer is all wet." All Atheists are super-sexy. Duh.

This Leviticus guy sounds like he could use an update. When God wrote the bible, instead of writing about how you can't wear 2 fabrics at once, he should have thrown something in about ipods. Young people love ipods! And maybe they could brainwash people easierRRR I MEAN, save young people through worship, if they knew the big Guy Upstairs was waiting with some cool next-gen iphone that they don't even have yet on earth?

Check out more Nikki videos. By all indications, she couldn't be much more awesomer than she already is.

DANIEL TOSH FINDS [ANOTHER] BIBLE LOOP HOLE

I went to his show last night. Obviously this guy's a comic genius, i'm sure you already knew that.

But after thinking about it, isn't he actually right? I don't think it does say you can't swear in the bible anywhere.

I mean it says you can't get tattoos or turn your daughter into a prostitute, otherwise I'd have done those things already. But hey, he'll let us swear! Yaaaay! This great news because i like to swear too!

Maybe this God guy isn't so fuckin' bad after all?