INDY-TUCKY STILL PLAYING CATCH-UP ON THAT WHOLE "SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE" THING

Just drove back from Indiana and these plates have been there for a year or so now i guess. According to this nerd blog, unlike other things like wildlife conservation or something real like that, the "God Plates" are on the house...

The lawsuit filed in Marion Superior Court claims the state Bureau of Motor Vehicles gives preferential treatment to motorists wanting the plates, which also feature the American flag, because they don’t have to pay the $15 administrative fee that the agency collects on sales of most other Indiana specialty plates.

Fun huh? Now you can announce to the world that you like to waste a quarter of your weekend singing with old people WITHOUT forking over $14.95 for a metal stick-on fish. God sure works in mysterious ways!

I went to church once, but they frown on getting a refill of the stale wine they serve and making out with hot chicks in the pews. JUST kidding! There aren't any hot chicks at church.


PS So yeah ... kinda busy ... so no posts in a while. But i'm pretty sure i'm the only one who reads them anyway, so i guess i'm only cheating myself really.

THIS IS HIGHLY OFFENSIVE

And you thought sex in video games was bad! ... Yahoo says:

LittleBigPlanet, one of this year's most-anticipated PlayStation 3 releases, won't be arriving in stores next week as expected.

The "social platforming" game is already gathering rave reviews, but it hasn't proven popular with one Muslim group, which issued a complaint to the game's publisher Sony concerning one background music track. Performed by award-winning Malian musician Toumani Diabate, the song quotes two verses from the Qur'an. Many Muslims consider the mixing of music and scripture to be deeply offensive.

Although the game is already pressed, packaged, and reportedly sitting in the back rooms of many worldwide retailers awaiting its original Oct. 21 debut, gamers eager to get hold of it will have to wait at least another week while the offending content is expunged. Updated versions of the game are expected to be shipped to stores during the week of October 27.

Wow are these game makers serious!!!? How dare they draw inspiration for their silly, imaginary, fictional game from a silly, imaginary, story of the Qur'an?! Actually, from what i've seen of this game, the events within it look a lot more likely to take place in real life.

It might have something to do with me not being Muslim, but this doesn't sound nearly as offensive as what Kid Rock did to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Sweet Home Alabama. Now THAT was a gang rape of a classic text.

The real question is, how did any Muslims find out two obsure verses in a video game that isn't even released yet? I'm no expert on Islam, but i'm pretty sure you can't even play video games legally. I mean ... unless there's a video game where the object is to see how many women you can enslave and wrap up like mummies so you won't fall victim to their sinfulness, with built-in pauses every 45 minutes as prayer reminders.... but i can't say i've seen a game like that.

JENNIFER LOPEZ WOULDN'T MIND HER KIDS BECOMING SCIENTOLOGISTS

OK, so this isn't a picture of Jennifer Lopez. But i read a survey than 99/100 penises prefer Jessica Biel. True story. plus her name start with a "J," so that's close enough right? And I don't want J-Lo's ugly ass sitting at the top of my nerd blog for 3 weeks, when i continue to slack off and never make new posts.

Anyway self-important Jennifer Lopez was interviewed in something called the Daily Beast with the following..

On Scientology
Lopez’s father has been a Scientologist for more than 20 years, and she is frequently seen with converts including Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Leah Remini.

JL: “I do know a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is and all that kind of stuff. It’s very helpful. So in a sense, yeah, you do call on it.”

“Do you consider yourself a Scientologist?”
JL: “No…I wouldn't have a problem saying [I was] because I know what it is. I have no problems with it and it really actually bothers me that people have such a negative feeling towards it.”

“That it is too exotic? Too cultish?
JL: “Just negative feelings.”

“Would you consider schooling Emme and Max in a Scientology school?”
JL: “Yeah. I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful…It’s all about communication. That’s the thing I really don’t like about talking about this. I do know so many great people who do do it, who choose it as a lifestyle and really follow it and it is their religion…I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.”

Really J-Ho? Do YOU know what it is? According to Wikipedia:

"Among these advanced teachings, one episode revealed to those who reach OT level III is the story of Xenu (sometimes Xemu), introduced as an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy." According to this story, 75 million years ago Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living and continue to do this today. Hubbard called these clustered spirits "Body Thetans," and advanced-level Scientologists place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects."

Scientology actually sounds like it would make a good super-nerdy RPG video game. I guess this really isn't any more far-fetched putting two of every animal in a boat, so have fun with that.. Someone should get on that. Million dollar idea!

You can't judge anyone! That's what i've learned today. Tribes in Africa that practice female genital mutilation. Can't judge them! It's their cultural tradition!

I think I'll start my own cultural tradition of robbing banks, and get a few moron "celebrities" to back me in my culture. Then in 50 years of getting away with it, you can't judge me! Hooooraaaay!

I GUESS WE DON'T NEED TO PRAY, JUST TO MAKE IT TODAY

I guess everyone isn't on board with George W. Bush's economic policy:

The nation's largest group of atheists and agnostics is suing President Bush and other officials over the federal law mandating the National Day of Prayer. The Freedom of Religion Foundation filed suit last week, claiming the president's call to Americans to pray violates the constitutional ban on government officials promoting religion.

Did i say economic policy? Oops. I meant government-mandated prayer. Whatever. Why worry about details?

I'm not sure why this foundation is wasting their time suing them. Everyone knows they're flat broke. It's like trying to run on an icy sidewalk in front of the homeless shelter and fall down so you can sue them ... really not worth the time. Although On 2nd thought, maybe they could just pass another elevendy billion dollar bail-out to pay off the atheists? Hmmm.

MOST AMERICANS BELIEVE IN GUARDIAN ANGELS

I tried to come up with a funnier headline than the one from the actual "news" story from ABC, but failed miserably. Here's a video even. I seriously feel like I'm taking crazy pills:

More than half of all adults, including one in five of those who say they are not religious, believe that they have been protected by a guardian angel during their life, according to a new survey by Baylor University's Institute for Studies of Religion.

The survey polled 1,700 respondents of diverse religious faiths: evangelical Protestants, black Protestants, mainline Protestants, Catholics and Jews.

I wasn't going to have kids, but now i think i might. I'll home school them and tell them how the earth, creatures and humans were created by Bug People that live in the crust of the planet Mars. And how earth is just one big video game that the Bug People control.

But what about when they go off to college? My guess is that fortunately for their sakes: an EFFING ANGEL will drop down out of the sky and tell them the truth about the "real god" and they'll suddenly believe in the Jesus stuff, instantly erasing their minds of the Mars Bug People stories i had filtered into their growing brains the past 18 years.

I do have one question though for the people that claim to have interacted with angels: Will they still "be your guardian" and help you out if you immediately start masturbating upon them showing their presence? I feel like this could be a problem if the angel looks anything like Adriana Lima ... so i want to be prepared.

BIG MIDTERM EXAM COMING UP FOR YOUR FAIRY TALE RELIGIONS

SARAH PALIN HAS A CREATOR ... ALSO HAS A DAUGHTER THAT LIKES TO GET DOWN

Back in the Anchorage Daily News in 2006, Palin was quoted trying to backtrack about wanting Creationism taught alongside Evolution in public schools:

"It's OK to let kids know that there are theories out there," she said in the interview. "They gain information just by being in a discussion."

That was how she was brought up, she said. Her father was a public school science teacher.

"My dad did talk a lot about his theories of evolution," she said. "He would show us fossils and say, 'How old do you think these are?'

Asked for her personal views on evolution, Palin said, "I believe we have a creator."

She would not say whether her belief also allowed her to accept the theory of evolution as fact.

"I'm not going to pretend I know how all this came to be," she said.

She's "not going to pretend to know how this all came to be," but at the same time is going to pretend to know "we have a creator." I'm no logic master, but i think back-to-back statements like this aren't going help her out much in the presidential debates. Joe Biden must creaming his pants right now at the idea of going a few oral rounds with her this fall. (pun intended)

Maybe she should take some time off the Creationism and spend a little more effort getting Sex Ed. into her daughter's classroom.

BTW ... I feel so cheated growing up in such a liberal, non-religious school system. I missed out on so much conservative-repressed hot box... just waiting to act-out against their bible thumping parents.

PRAYING CAN LOWER GAS PRICES, PRODUCTIVITY

From the LA Times ...

Forget Congress. Forget President Bush. About four months ago, frustrated by the apparently immutable laws of supply and demand, Rocky Twyman turned to a higher authority in his quest for cheaper gasoline.

The recent dip in prices, he says, is proof of divine intervention.

"Prayer is the answer to every problem in life," said Twyman, founder of the Pray at the Pump movement, whose members huddle around gas pumps and ask the Almighty to lower gasoline prices.

I also find prayer is the answer for every problem. Hard work and a good attitude can only take you so far ... eventually it all comes down to praying. A few obvious examples ... "I'm praying the bank doesn't notice the missing mortgage payment this month. or I'm praying on the Lord's Holiness that her bikini top falls off in the surf ... or i'm praying with all my might that sticky grenade finds it's way across the entire board for a double kill on Halo 3" When prayers like those are answered, God's pretty irrefutable.

According to AAA, which tracks such matters, the average nationwide price for a gallon of gas Wednesday was $3.78 -- down from $4.10 a month ago, but still 25 cents higher than on April 23.

The prayer group's efforts began that day just a few blocks away, at the soup kitchen of First Seventh-day Adventist Church. When the soup kitchen's volunteers, many of them senior citizens, began talking about cutting back their time because they couldn't afford to drive, Twyman said, "God just impressed me to take them over to the pump, and the rest is history."

I think that's awesome the lower gases prices allowed those people to volunteer again at the kitchen. It's almost like God knew that lower gas prices would specifically help out the soup kitchen. And then i assume God kept these new lower gas prices secret from atheists?

Now that they've solved gas prices could someone get these people to shift their prayers to Wall Street? My Large Cap is killing my 401K over here.

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

What you call a cruel man using foolish faith to fleece gullible people of their money ... i call great showmanship! I think if you can find a way to make grip-loads of money pushing down Jesus freaks and elederly ladies, more power to you. That's like 2 steps removed from figuring out how feel up breasts for a living.

"IT'S A LOUSY NIGHT TO BE AN ATHEIST"

So I was enjoying the hell out of watching Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers blast 28 home runs in the Derby last night, when ass-clown Rick Reilly dropped this gem from the announcing booth:

"He beat Cocaine and Heroin addiction, found Religion and made it back to the big leagues. It's a bad night to be an atheist."

Classic! I like how it's still perfectly OK to openly discriminate against atheism. Good times!

In related news since straight-white-Christian Josh Hamilton hit 28 HRs in one round, it was a REALLY bad night to be a Black Gay Muslim.

INNOCENT CRACKERS TAKEN HOSTAGE

On a scale of 1-10, how lame is it to blog about a news story about another blog? I'm not sure so i'm going to do it anyway...

A Minnesota university instructor and avowed atheist is jousting with a national Catholic watch dog group over a smuggled communion wafer, which the associate professor dismisses as a "frackin’ cracker."

Paul Z. Myers, who teaches biology at the University of Minnesota, Morris, on his blog this week expressed amazement that a Florida college student who briefly took a wafer "hostage" from a church ceremony has been receiving death threats for an action that was characterized "a hate crime" by the Catholic League.

Paul ... come on man! It's much more than a cracker sir! Some guy in a robe that can't have sex waved his hand over it and now it's the body of Christ! Everyone knows that.

This reminds me of a book i read where this old woman with face warts lived in a house by herself in the forest. She was cooking something in a big cauldron with steam was pouring over the edges. I don't remember the whole story, but a big part of it involved her picking apples from the trees surrounding her house and then waving her hand over them so they became "enchanted." Anyway i can imagine she would have been pissed off if someone took her apples and held them hostage. She was pretty scary looking, so without her apples, how would she lure small children into her house?

BEST QUOTE EVER?

I contend that we are both atheists.
I just believe in one fewer god than you do.
When you understand why you dismiss all other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours.
—Stephen Henry Roberts

I couldn't find any pictures of Stephen Henry Roberts, so i'm going to just make the safe assumption that he looks a lot like Olivia Munn.

Damn it Olivia, are you going to stop stalking me or am i going to have to renew the restraining order against you? I get it. You want to jump my super-sexy muscles. But in order to court me, i need you to stimulate my mind with engaging conversation first. I'm not a piece of meat.

iPOD OR GOD? ... TOUGH CALL

He'd like to stay 17 or 18 the rest of his life? Join the club buddy. When the original Amish founders were making up the story about their religion they should have put something in it about "you'll stay 17 forever if you follow our teachings." I imagine that would have been pretty popular.

Also, I tried to listen to an ipod once, but the ear-bud wires turned into giant serpents and starting spitting out flames until my ears were severely burned. I hate when devil does that kind of stuff, but i had to respect his craftiness and creativity on that one. Good one devil ... good one.

R.I.P. GEORGE CARLIN

"The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things — bad language and whatever — it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition," Carlin told the AP in a 2004 interview. "There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. ... It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have."

— George Carlin

Exactly. Kudos to a man that didn't follow a practice that teaches you be ashamed of being human.

'CAUSE YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH!

16-year-old Neil Beagley's family may as well have hit the repeat button on the song "Faith" by George Michael alongside Neil's hospital bed. I assume this is what is meant by faith healing.

Tuesday's death of 16-year-old Neil Beagley, however, may not be a crime because Oregon law allows minors 14 and older to decide for themselves whether to accept medical treatment.

"All of the interviews from last night are that he did in fact refuse treatment," police Sgt. Lynne Benton said Wednesday. "Unless we can disprove that, charges probably won't be filed in this case."

An autopsy Wednesday showed Beagley died of heart failure caused by a urinary tract blockage.

He likely had a congenital condition that constricted his urinary tract where the bladder empties into the urethra, and the condition of his organs indicates he had multiple blockages during his life, said Dr. Clifford Nelson, deputy state medical examiner for Clackamas County.

Nelson said a catheter would have saved the boy's life. If the condition had been dealt with earlier, a urologist could easily have removed the blockage and avoided the kidney damage that came with the repeated illnesses, Nelson said.

It seems like God is pretty vengeful. He keeps killing people with fairly simple illnesses that were cured a long time ago, no matter how many members of the congregation get together and pray for them?? What a jerk.

I'm not saying someone should drop a nasty case of Pneumonia on churches that endorse faith healing, so these amazingly stupid losers can't reproduce anymore ... but i'm not not saying it either.

WHY AM I STILL HERE?

Did the Nukes go off yet? i'm not sure . I'm hunkered down in a bomb shelter.

I love how they say it's a religious cult as if ALL religions aren't cults. Hilarious.

Name me one difference between a mainstream religion and a cult beside membership numbers?

Let's see ...

safe haven for predators that like sex with super-young people... check.

ridiculous prophecies ... check.

I'm waiting ... one difference ... anyone?...

COWS SIT DOWN BEFORE STORMS = GOD EXISTS

It's been a while since my last post because i saw this video and it's pretty obvious to me now that God does exist!

I mean if you were an intelligent designer you can't come right out and show yourself, or leave behind clear documents about the founding of your religion for your followers. Otherwise they couldn't have true faith! Duh.

Instead, what you do is, leave behind little clues within other plants and animals you made. I'll design seeds to fly to new areas and animals to sense tsunamis. It''ll be like the best episode of CSI ever! That way some losERrrr, i mean internet nerd prophet, can piece them together on a youtube clip for all to see the light, yet everyone can retain their faith. Everybody wins!

Even if they were able to disprove the "theory of evolution," which they didn't, that doesn't prove the existence of God. It's not either-or. If there were no such thing as evolution which has concrete proof like fossils, and carbon dating — Which religion (each with zero real evidence) would be right?

McCAIN'S MORAL COMPASS GETS AN 'F' IN ORIENTEERING

You might watch this clip and think "I guess Obama isn't the only one with a crazy pastor." But in the real world, you probably shouldn't use the word "pastor" without putting the word "crazy" in front of it.

Isn't that fun how it worked out?... The guys who have all the oil for our SUVs also happen to believe in the wrong fairy tale. I mean if that's not an extra good reason to invade someone's country i don't know what is?

Nevermind our economy, health care, social security crisis and violent crime surplus over here in my good 'ol USA, we need to destroy this Islam thing before we're all writing right-to-left and praying 9 times a day to demons. Vote McCain!!!!

NEW! ... "CAN-BARELY-VOTE" BARBIE

Coming this Christmas!


From TEHRAN, Iran (AP)...

A top Iranian judiciary official warned Monday against the "destructive" cultural and social consequences of importing Barbie dolls and other Western toys.

In the latest salvo in a more than decade-old government campaign against Barbie, Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi said in an official letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi that the doll and other Western toys are a "danger" that need to be stopped.

Unfortunately things like "Hollywood couples selling ugly baby pictures for thousands of dollars" and "Paris Hilton" do exist here, so Ghorban might actually have a point.

"The displays of personalities such as Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter ... as well as the irregular importation of unsanctioned computer games and movies are all warning bells to the officials in the cultural arena," his letter said.

"Undoubtedly, the personality and identity of the new generation and our children, as a result of unrestricted importation of toys, has been put at risk and caused irreparable damages," he said.

That really is a heads-up play outta this guy. You'd hate to see Iran's glorious Islamic culture get infected with devil women learning to use their sexuality to lure men into letting them drive or watching a soccer match at the stadium! Can you imagine? Bitches be running wild man. Next thing you know, women would think they could have jobs like a police officer or something.

TAKE A LOOK, IT'S IN A BOOK, A READING RAINBOW

The fact that Tim Keller concedes certain points about religion makes want to read this book "The Reason For God" and see what he has to say.

As already stated, Mr. Keller's approach to his argument is anything but direct. He gives up more ground than the 2006 Indianapolis Colts defense (seventh worst all time) and uses more misdirection than an option offense.

Religion causes violence, doubting God is healthy, Christianity cannot exist without social justice, Jesus suffered exclusion from God's presence (no mention of wrath), Christians tend to be morally deficient, and macro evolution is probably for real.

Throw in the natural goodness of man, the relativity of meaning and a naturalistic explanation for supposed miracles and you'd actually have a liberal.

But Mr. Keller isn't willing to go that far. It's a bit of a rope a dope. Mr. Keller follows up his line on religion's threat to peace with this caveat: "Within Christianity—robust, orthodox Christianity—there are rich resources that can make its followers agents for peace on earth."

Ohhhhhh ... so there are the roots that religion could be good in place ... but for some reason people made some poor decisions within their faith and we ended up with suicide bombers, 9/11, the Crusades, witch-hunts, a Gunpowder Plot, Indian partition, Israeli/Palestinian wars, Serb/Croat/Muslim massacres, persecution of Jews as 'Christ killers', Northern Ireland 'troubles', 'honor killings' and televangelists fleecing gullible people of their money.

Hey it's not religion's fault! Come on! At our annual Jesus Buffet ... We set the vegetable tray with low-fat western chipotle dip RIGHT NEXT TO the brownies. It's not our fault the guests choose poorly and are huge lard asses.


P.S. I'm still going to probably read his book, because i want to see if he can come up with an actual decent reason for God that i haven't heard before. (after I'm done reading God Delusion, which i borrowed from above there)

YOU BETTER LET DERRICK MAKE THAT FREE THROW JESUS!

Memphis coach John Calipari thought having Derrick Rose at the free throw line with the game in his hands was the perfect situation.

The Tigers were up 62-60 with 10.8 seconds left and his standout freshman was ready to hand-deliver Memphis their first national championship.

Hit both free throws and Rose might rival Elvis Presley as Memphis's favorite son.

"I'm going to tell you what I said on the bench when Derrick went to the line," Calipari told reporters. "You know, I think everything in life happens for a reason.

"And I sat there and I looked up and I said, 'Lord, if he makes this, these two, we're supposed to be national champs.' And if that's your will, I'm fine. And if he misses them and we're not, I'm fine with that, too.'

"That's what I said in my mind."

Rose made only one of two free throws and Kansas guard Mario Chalmers hit a game-tying three-pointer from the top of the key with 2.1 seconds left to send the game into overtime.

Looks like the good people at the Westboro Church seem to have the right view of God, as the Lord blessed their home-state Kansas with a NCAA National Championship last night!

Basketball analyst Jay Bilas, deadpans...This game wasn't about god's will, it was about not taking a timeout when you should have, and not fouling when you should have. It was about poise at the end of the game, and Memphis did not have any."

"Everything happens for a reason" alright. Like School Shootings. There's always a good reason for those... like .... um ....

.....um...

....

....Wait here's a better example of why everything happens for a reason....

When your coach constantly downplays free throws and leaves it up looking at the ceiling with the National Championship on the line instead of calling a time out OR fouling up by 3 ... that's a pretty good reason as to why you're not cutting down the nets.



Thanks to Paul G. for the story. Good times.

FLORIDA EDUCATION JUST GOT SEXIER

So backwards-ass Florida finally got around to updating their educational curriculum to include evolution. No word yet on whether they teach that earth is flat or round. But naturally the Christian Educators Association International is less than pleased. Member David Bracken writes...

The Florida Department of Education has written new science standards that will require Florida science teachers to present evolution as a proven fact. There are no provisions included in the standards that will allow for the critical analysis of the theory of evolutions. Thus many of us that object to the“science”used to present evolution as a fact have no recourse but to teach the lie of evolution as though it is a proven fact.

Over the past month I've been able to present to the Florida Department of Education why I think the new standards need to be changed and I've met personally with Florida Senate Majority Leader Daniel Webster, Florida House of Representatives Speaker Marco Rubio, and several other legislators about an Academic Freedom bill. Each of the legislators said that my testimony as a teacher that has been confronted about teaching the weaknesses in the theory of evolution is critical to the passing of the bill and that we need to hear from more teachers with that experience.

Similarly, i remember being in biology class and learning about all the different species of animals. When we got to the chapter on mammals, they totally forgot to do Big Foot-Yetti-Sasquatch, or whatever you want to call him.

Dude's real! I've seen him with my own two eyes when we when camping one time! He smelled the smores we were making and stole a marshmellow i had cooked to a gorgeous golden brown. I was mad at first, but i can't stay mad at you Yetti! You're too super cute! True story!

YOU HAVE GOT TO EFFING KIDDING ME

On the night before 11-year-old Madeline Kara Neumann died of complications from untreated diabetes, her parents did not call a doctor.

Instead, Dale and Leilani Neumann prayed over the telephone Saturday with the founder of a religious Web site named AmericasLastDays.com.

The stunning detail was revealed Thursday by David Eells, whose Unleavened Bread Ministries operates the Web site that focuses on religious healing and the apocalypse. Leilani Neumann, who lives in the Town of Weston, wrote two posts on the Web site.

Absolutely not ... this has to be an Onion story or something right? Someone's playing a joke me? ... REALLY????

Eells, 59, who lives in Pensacola, Fla., said he was asked by an elder to call the parents and pray for their daughter.

In a statement posted on the Web site, Eells says that the child had started to get sick "in just the last day or so" and the parents "asked me to pray and agree with them in prayer, basically because she appeared pale and listless. They did not seem overly concerned because they had had healings before. This is not an unusual kind of request to us."

Eells said he received another call from the Neumanns on Sunday as the family "followed an emergency vehicle with Kara in it. They told me that she had stopped breathing and asked if I would pray that the Lord would spare her and raise her up, which I did."

The girl was pronounced dead at St. Clare's Hospital. An autopsy determined she had diabetic ketoacidosis, a serious complication of untreated insulin-dependent diabetes.

This poor girl never really had a chance. If not diabetes, she probably would have stubbed her toe on rusty nail one day and then her parents would just sit there and stare at the infection as it grew. Why isn't it going away? We prayed EVERY DAY!

If i was a kid I'd rather be left in a wolves' den as an infant that have Dale and Leilani Neumann for parents. I'd like my chances a lot better. Being a silver-lining guy, at least this poor girl won't grow up and raise another generation of world-class morons. See that glass! ... it is half full!

BEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH EVER?

Yes, best acceptance speech ever.

In fairness, Jesus probably didn't have time to help out Kathy, because he was probably busy helping Kanye West, David Tyree and George Bush with war. Afterall ... there's only so many grace-giving hours in the day.

THIS GUY HAS A POINT (OR 9)

1. "Your beliefs inform your actions. Thus i like to inform my actions based on things that are true. I prefer that you are able to justify your beliefs with something more than personal experience or faith evidence."

2. "I think that's an unrealistic expectation."

1. Why? Why is that an unrealistic expectation? Name one thing besides a religious belief where that would be an unrealistic expectation."

I do find it pretty fascinating that i've met a ton of people who are well educated, fun, smart, logical and a good time ... yet also believe in an organized religion. It simply doesn't follow logic.

If an alien came down from the sky with no exposure to earthly culture, and observed us all ... who would look crazy to them? People kneeling and praying to something invisible 10 times a day? People eating crackers and calling it the flesh of person? People speaking in tongues?

And here's the other thing: If there was one shred of proof that any one of the religions were even 80% true ... do you think there would be so many other religions in existence? Or atheists at all?

I'M ONLY 8 POINTS AWAY FROM MY GAY BASHING BADGE

To recap, the Boy Scouts of America use publicy funded buildings and army camps for their meetings and jamboree, yet claim they can exclude atheists and gays from their lame club because they are a private organization. Makes sense to me.

So no gays or atheists but pedofiles ... come on in! You can touch little boys as along as you stick to the oath and do your duty to God while being "morally straight."

"I think it's pretty terrible the Boy Scouts have created a nation-wide safe haven for pedofiles."
Sincerely, My Space

MY GOD COULD BEAT UP YOUR GOD

I have yet to hear a coherent answer from someone of any religion who can explain the phenomenon of all the different religions. Usually their answer goes something to the effect of ... "BAAAaaaaah, all the other religions are silly and wrong. My God's obviously the real one."

As a Christian can't you see that there are Muslims who are just as devout about their faith as you are with yours? Or is that what blind faith is all about? Not seeing others in the world around you.

THOU SHALT GET HIGH AS A MO-FO

Who says pious people don't know how to party?

According to Benny Shanon, a professor of cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, psychedelic drugs formed an integral part of the religious rites of Israelites in biblical times.

Writing in the Time and Mind journal of philosophy, he says concoctions based on the bark of the acacia tree, frequently mentioned in the Old Testament, contain the same molecules as those found in plants from which the powerful Amazonian hallucinogenic brew ayahuasca is prepared.

"The thunder, lightning and blaring of a trumpet which the Book of Exodus says emanated from Mount Sinai could just have been the imaginings of a people in an altered state of awareness," writes Shanon. "In advanced forms of ayahuasca inebriation, the seeing of light is accompanied by profound religious and spiritual feelings.

References in the Bible where people "see" sounds, is another "classic phenomenon", he said, citing the example of religious ceremonies in the Amazon in which drugs are used that induce people to "see" music.

Speaking about his article on Israeli public radio, he added: "As far as Moses on Mount Sinai is concerned, it was either a supernatural cosmic event, which I don't believe, or a legend, which I don't believe either. Or finally, and this is very probable, an event that joined Moses and the people of Israel under the effect of narcotics."

Moses was probably also on mind-altering drugs when he saw the "burning bush", suggested Shanon, who admitted to dabbling with such substances.

Nope, that can't be right. It can't be the "bark of an acacia tree" (which we could actually find growing, walk up to, pull the bark off of with our own two hands and experience for ourselves.)

It was God himself that spoke to Moses through a burning bush (which we have zero actual proof of). The word of God is right there in the Bible. Just read it.

I'm such an idiot by the way .... Back in school I should have used the Bible for all my reports and term papers! ...

That way, when your 7th period Social Studies teacher is all like: "Your report on a famous inventor needs 3 sources and is due next Friday" you could be all like "Uh Uuuhhh ... I only need ONE source cause it's the word of God bebe! I mean hello ... why do you think it's called a "Bibliograpy?"

RELIGION IS CHILD ABUSE, SOCCER

Adam Carolla strikes again. I can't wait to laugh at him on Dancing With the Stars on St. Patty's Day. Should be entertaining. He makes the important point again that Atheism isn't a "set of beliefs" itself. It's nothing. Religion is soccer, I don't have a team, i don't follow the entire sport of soccer.

He makes another great and obvious comparison with practicing a religion to following a sports team...

"I grew up in Wisconsin, i'm a Packers Fan. My Dad was a cheesehead, so who do you want me to root for? Wherever you were born, that's your team. That's 90% of where religious people fall."

That's fun that he used my Packers for the comparison!

Surprise fact about me: I went to high school in Green Bay. By religion's thought process, I feel bad for people not born in Wisconsin, because they don't know the one and only truth: The Packers are the team they should follow. People in Europe and Utah are just unlucky that they were born in places that didn't have Brett Favre. Maybe us Packer fans should send out Lombardi Witnesses that go door-to-door to Alabama and Oregon to "enlighten" these unfortunate people. Poor lost souls they are.

OBAMA BELIEVES IN THE WRONG FAIRY TALE, IS GOING TO "DESTROY THE U.S. FROM THE INSIDE OUT"

So i was forwarded this email the other day...

If you do not ever forward anything else, please forward this to all your contacts. This is very scary to think of what lies ahead of us here in our own United States…please heed this and pray about it and share it.

Who is Barack Obama? Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., a black MUSLIM from Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white ATHIEST from Wichita, Kansas. Obama's parents met at the University of Hawaii. When Obama was two years old, his parents divorced. His father returned to Kenya. His mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL Muslim from Indonesia.When Obama was 6 years old, the family relocated to Indonesia. Obama attended a MUSLIM school in Jakarta. He also spent two years in a Catholic school.

Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim. He is quick to point out that, 'He was once a Muslim, but that he also attended Catholic school.' Obama's political handlers are attempting to make it appear that he is not a radical. Obama's introduction to Islam came via his father, and that this influence was temporary at best. In reality, the senior Obama returned to Kenya soon after the divorce, and never again had any direct influence over his son's education. Lolo Soetoro, the second husband of Obama's mother, Ann Dunham, introduced his stepson to Islam. Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school in Jakarta. Wahabism is the RADICAL teaching that is followed by the Muslim terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the western world. Since it is politically expedient to be a CHRISTIAN when seeking major public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined the United Church of Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim background. ALSO, keep in mind that when he was sworn into office he DID NOT use the Holy Bible, but instead the Koran.Barack Hussein Obama will NOT recite the Pledge of Allegience NOR will he show any reverence for our flag. While others place their hands over their hearts, Obama turns his back to the flag and slouches.

Let us all remain alert concerning Obama's expected presidential candidacy. The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from the inside out, what better way to start than at the highest level - through the President of the United States, one of their own!!!!

It only takes a few seconds to forward this to your friends. Please understand the importance of this and don't let this man gain public office in Our country.

Holy Hell! The Muslims have infiltrated our governement! OH MY GOD! Thank God for fowarded mass emails, otherwise we might not have found out about this!

Obama must already have the media in his back pocket! That's the only possible reason Fox News isn't reading this email aloud on a 24-hour loop!

Just think, once we elect a terrorist into the White House he'll have ALL THE POWER. He'll be able to order U.S. factories to build WMDs and give them to Iran and Iraq. He'll insert Mulism-prayer into the schools ... And then he'll order troops to invade our own country! We'll be powerless to stop him because he's PRESIDENT!

Despite "taking great care to conceal the fact that he is Muslim," it's a good thing Obama's too stupid to change his name from "Barack Hussein Obama" to something a little more Christian-friendly. Maybe that's what tipped off the brilliant authors of this email to save the U.S.? In related news, I'm going to name my kid "Christian Awesome President." He'll be eleceted for sure! Yaaaaaay!

PS ... isn't it cute how people like Bill Clinton and Obama have to pretend to believe in God so they have a chance of being elected by the sheep chewing away on their God-cud in the south?

PPS For more Obama Girl visit amberleeonline.com

EXACTLY

Clearly the burden of proof is on non-believers. Prove to me that Moses parting the sea, God speaking to him as a burning bush, the immaculate conception and Noah fitting elevendy billion animals on his arch DIDN'T happen. You have no proof ... none. Jesus wins! Yaaaaaaay!

GEORGIAN PASTORS JUST CAN'T SEEM TO STOP EFFING KIDS, FAMILY

Seriously ... For pastors, having sex with kids must be more addictive than cigarettes and cocaine combined.

I heard this story on the radio today and couldn't believe the coincidence after my last post like an hour ago.

Decatur pastor faces at least 25 years in prison after being convicted of aggravated sexual battery and child molestation of his 15-year-old foster child, authorities said.

DeKalb County prosecutors contend Bishop Frederick Kelley, who headed Greater New Macedonia Church of God in Christ, had a history of child molestation and rape involving family members going back 35 years.

So naturally i had to mention it on here. But when I googled "Decatur, GA pastor" to find it ... this story was listed FIRST! Meaning the one i heard about on the radio TODAY wasn't even the first Decatur-church-sex-scandal google found! I guess they were a good 7 days apart though.

Could you even make that up?

In addition to somehow fathering his nephew (impressive!)...

The archbishop, his brother and the church are being sued by former church employee Mona Brewer, who says Earl Paulk manipulated her into an affair from 1989 to 2003 by telling her it was her only path to salvation. Earl Paulk admitted to the affair in front of the church last January.

Damn! I wish i could have found some girl(s) dumb enough to believe that the only path to salvation is through my penis. Where were these girls when i was in high school?

Really Mona? Really? Next your going to tell me Earl convinced you that when you die you drive through big pearly gates into a magical fairy land where all your dreams come true.

SOUTH PARK IS NOT NOT ENTERTAINING

Just watch to the 5:20 mark here. Good times...



To be completely fair, I think all religions are just about equally dumb. That's what i heart about South Park, they hit everyone. Even atheists in that one episode where the 2 atheist groups are fighting over what to call themselves. Hilarious.

I like how Muslims can't have sex or "jack off." Does anyone involved in religion see a pattern where repressed sexuality ends in disaster? I mean it's human/mammal instinct and biology to want sex. I think it's on the list somewhere after food and maybe before shelter.

How many priests have to molest school children before it's obvious that their profession isn't playing a role? OK, OK, you're right, we should investigate Ice Cream Truck drivers too. Fine.

DAVID TYREE LOVES HIM SOME JESUS

As he says in the video, "How many people heard of David Tyree before the Super Bowl?" (Well I have, because I'm an NFL junkie. But if you didn't know, he's the guy that made that fantastic catch against his helmet to keep the drive going and beat those dirty, cheating Patriots.

I think it's pretty clear at this point that the Patriots DID cheat for sure. Why else would God manifest himself into the form of the Giants 4th wide receiving option, and beat them single handedly?

Well I'm big Packers fan ... So now if you'll excuse me, I have to write Donald Driver and Brett Favre and make sure they're giving God enough glory, so that Jesus lets the Packers win next year.

P.S. Best ... jersey .... ever. Is that one of those Euro hockey league teams? I'm surprised they're not on TV more.

RELIGIOUS SCHOOL EJECTS BASKETBALL REF FROM GAME FOR ILLEGAL VAGINA-HAVING

Kansas activities officials are investigating a religious school's refusal to let a female referee call a boys' high school basketball game.

The Kansas State High School Activities Association said referees reported that Michelle Campbell was preparing to officiate at St. Mary's Academy near Topeka on Feb. 2 when a school official insisted that Campbell could not call the game.

The reason given, according to the referees: Campbell, as a woman, could not be put in a position of authority over boys because of the academy's beliefs.

Earth to Michelle Campbell! Why would you think that God would give you the right to call a 3-second violation on a 10th grader? As woman you'd be easily corrupted with that kind of power over "men."

In a related story, I remember one time in Little League where i hit deep ball in the left-centerfield gap. Since i was so awesomely fast i thought i'd stretch my triple into a inside-the-park home run right? Duh. Anyway, the home plate umpire was a chick and she called me out at the plate, even though i slid in a good second before the tag. Where were you on that one Jesus? Thanks for nothing.

MORE LIKE VALEN-SINS-DAY

Saudi Arabia has asked florists and gift shops to remove all red items until after Valentine's Day, calling the celebration of such a holiday a sin, local media reported Monday.

"As Muslims we shouldn't celebrate a non-Muslim celebration, especially this one that encourages immoral relations between unmarried men and women," Sheikh Khaled Al-Dossari, a scholar in Islamic studies, told the Saudi Gazette, an English-language newspaper.

So who knew after all this time ... I'm Muslim! Terrible news sweetie ... I had to cancel our reservations at Morton's Steakhouse and return the red dozen I got you. During my morning prayer facing east to the Holy Land, I asked Allah, and he was pretty clear that he wanted me to spend the $200 i had allocated for our big night on something much less sinful. If fact, he told me to buy Rock Band for Xstation 360. Praise Allah!

Under Saudi law, women are subject to numerous restrictions, including a prohibition against driving and a requirement that they get a man's permission to travel or have surgery.

A businesswoman told the Times of London this month that she was detained and strip-searched by the religious police for holding a meeting in a coffee shop with male colleagues.

Wait? Women only need a simple permission slip from a man and then they're allowed to drive or travel? Jesus! That's madness. There must be accidents all the time in Saudi Arabia with women driving all over the place.

Also this "religious police" sounds kinda sexy. There's always hot girls at Starbucks whom i wouldn't mind stripping down.

Oh and Sweetie ... you have my permission to get that boob job.

THERE'S NO BACK DOOR TO HEAVEN

I'm a little confused why the song is named "The Bible Says." The main chorus tends to disagree.

While being gay is obviously a choice ... this dude HAD to have been BORN into that mustache. No one one would choose something that cheeseball.

Vegas has the line 1.5-to-1 that this pink shirt dude is gay himself. It seems the self-hater-type gay likes to broadcast to the world how bad it is to be gay. Where did i get that crazy idea?

WHO WANTS TO TAILGATE THIS WEEKEND?

Great news guys! The Westboro Baptist Church is coming to our state here in Minnesota to protest the funeral of a soldier that died in Afghanistan. Sounds like great fun!

It's kind of a haul from the Twin Cities so, I'm going to get over there a little early to get some beers and brats on the grill going while i paint up my "God Hates America" sign. Who's in?

We get it already Westboro Church ... Instead of making up signs that read "God Hates Fags" ... you may as write ones that read "Look at ME! I'm so extreme and edgy and controversial!"

Although writing this on my hugely popular blog just gave them a ton more exposure! What a fool! I've played right into their hands!

5 THINGS I LEARNED AT JESUS CAMP

Paraphrasing from the directors...

1. There are 80-100 million Evangelicals in the U.S. and the kids in this movie aren't just fringe wackos living far away from civilization. These are fairly mainstream people in the suburbs that go to Starbucks and shop at the GAP.

2. I don't think it's ever been more obvious that religion wouldn't exist if parents didn't shove it down the throats of their children. In the film, all sides pretty much admit this. These kids are pretty cute ... Makes it all the more sad the cycle goes on generation after generation. It's child abuse really, not letting them develop a self of themselves and the world without jamming dogma into it every step of the way.

3. Harry Potter is an enemy of God.

4. If you present an unbiased view of abortion to elementary children, they all will pray with you that it ends.

5. You have to ask God to bless your audio-visual equipment to ensure everything stays in working order.

(You could go on and on about this movie ... blah blah blah ... whatever your belief ... it's powerful ... go watch it. Like you haven't already ... what took me so long?)

GOD HATES WINDOW WASHER'S BROTHER

(This is an old story, but hey i just started so like Bill Lumberg ... i'm sorta playing catch-up.)

Doctors say they have never seen anything like it: A window washer who fell 47 stories from the roof of a Manhattan skyscraper is now awake, talking to his family and expected to walk again. Alcides Moreno, 37, plummeted almost 500 feet in a Dec. 7 scaffolding collapse that killed his brother.

His wife, Rosario Moreno, cried as she thanked the doctors and nurses who kept him alive.

"Thank God for the miracle that we had," she said. "He keeps telling me that it just wasn't his time."

Man, it's too bad God hated his brother. I mean God was RIGHT THERE because he had to save Alcides since he obviously has a great plan for him and needed him to live. So since he was in neighborhood, AND they fell at the same time, why not save both brothers? O'well, maybe his brother sinned more?

I can't wait to see God's Great Plan for Alcides Moreno. I assuming he's going to cure cancer or something. Either that or sue everyone possible and tax the legal system for years. It's a toss up really.

(P.S. This is actually an amazing, fantastic story. What are the chances of him falling just right in order to live?)

WHY IS ADAM CAROLLA SUCH A GENIUS?

"Because he didn't have religious dogma funneled up his ass as a young person!"

That's the reason he gives for being an atheist.

In addition to being an genius, ironically, Adam Carolla is great carpenter. Jesus would be proud! In addition to wood working skills he also hosts my favorite radio show out in L.A. He covers all kinds of topics with all kinds of guests, occasionally delving into religion. It's available for free on itunes.

"A few thousand years ago if i came up with a religion or God that said 'everything's good, you do onto others, and you love your neighbor, and you stay outta trouble and then when you die that's about it... you turn into dirt'... you tell ME IF that CONCEPT would have been embraced?"

How does he puts things this eloquently off the top of his head?? Seriously. It takes me an hour to write a stupid post on here. I hate you Adam, I by "hate you" i mean "Hate you" the same way Vikings fans hate Brett Favre. I secretly want Adam to take snaps from me and win ME a Super Bowl.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, JOHN TRAVOLTA IS AN ASS

And I'm not even talking about dressing up as a 300-lb woman in some horrible movie remake. As seen in many articles across the web ...

According to the Church of Scientology, people with mental illnesses are "degraded" and capable of curing themselves by working harder on the church's teachings.

Tim Kenny, the father of a 4-year-old autistic girl who lives close to the Travolta estate, says that he was introduced the actor in February "as one autistic child's father to another" but that Travolta was in denial.

"Scientology is keeping him from acknowledging his son's autism. They see it as a weakness," he says.

I happen to know a school psychologist pretty well. First of all, autism is not a mental illness. It is a genetic developmental social disorder. It's not black and white either, there are grades of severity with autism. It's not cured with drugs or anything, in fact, it's not cureable at all.

Basically, autistic kids are put into programs to help them overcome and build social skills. The sooner school psychologists are able to intervene and get them into a program right for them, the better chance they have of overcomming autism.

So there you have it! Dogma gets in the way fact-based science once again! And it's even called Scientology ...how ironic.

In related news ... in my religion (Bunsenism), you go to hell if you ingest any vitamin C. Sorry kids, you'll just have to pray that much harder if you want your scurvy to go away.

WHEN GOD MADE THIS ATHEIST CHICK, HE ADDED 2 EXTRA SCOOPS OF AWESOMENESS

I'd say Nikki here is a super-sexy atheist, but that's kind of redundant. It's like saying "that swimmer is all wet." All Atheists are super-sexy. Duh.

This Leviticus guy sounds like he could use an update. When God wrote the bible, instead of writing about how you can't wear 2 fabrics at once, he should have thrown something in about ipods. Young people love ipods! And maybe they could brainwash people easierRRR I MEAN, save young people through worship, if they knew the big Guy Upstairs was waiting with some cool next-gen iphone that they don't even have yet on earth?

Check out more Nikki videos. By all indications, she couldn't be much more awesomer than she already is.

DANIEL TOSH FINDS [ANOTHER] BIBLE LOOP HOLE

I went to his show last night. Obviously this guy's a comic genius, i'm sure you already knew that.

But after thinking about it, isn't he actually right? I don't think it does say you can't swear in the bible anywhere.

I mean it says you can't get tattoos or turn your daughter into a prostitute, otherwise I'd have done those things already. But hey, he'll let us swear! Yaaaay! This great news because i like to swear too!

Maybe this God guy isn't so fuckin' bad after all?

JERRY O'CONNELL IS MY NEW FAVORITE ACTOR

Obviously there's still hard feelings about signing with Bob Sugar.

You'd think that other religions would take note of how "Scientology was just magically created." Whether it was created for making money, or steering people to live a certain way and do certain things there's obviously an agenda here, right?

So what's more likely Christians? A guy living in the sky magically made everything or public leaders a couple thousand years ago, were pushing their agendas on the masses?

Jeez, however can we solve this great mystery?

SHIELD THE EYES OF YOUR CHILDREN!

So this is it! ... The full-length, girl-on-girl porno scene from the video game Mass Effect that Fox News made famous with their fug, misguided "expert" Cooper Lawrence.

Hide your children in bomb shelters before their eyes melt out of their heads! And pray to Jesus that more sinful devil work like this doesn't spread...

Wait ... that's IT? Man.... I, was barely able to masturbate to it within the 57 seconds. Luckily that blue alien chick is damn sexy.

COOPER LAWRENCE IS SORRY ... KIND OF

After appearing on Fox News to induce the latest media frenzy over a supposed sex scene in a video game, author Cooper Lawrence wasn't real excited about elevendy billion gamers descending on amazon.com to bash review her book in retaliation. She tells MTV...

"In hindsight, I would have liked to have had the opportunity to play this game before appearing on the program," Lawrence said in a statement released to MTV News by her publicist. "As a developmental-psychology expert, I was asked to appear on this particular show to discuss the broader issue of video games and their impact on developing adolescents, not as an expert on 'Mass Effect.' "

Never mind the fact that...
1. She had no idea what she was talking about
2. The game was rated appropriately not for kids (M-Mature)
3. There's racier sex stuff on 7 p.m. on Fox TV shows (see Joe Millionaire getting a BJ in the woods)

The point everyone fails to bring up with sex in video games is ... WHAT ABOUT THE EFFING violence??? How has American culture been mind-fucked by religion into thinking that sex is the worst thing ever.

I played Gears Of War last night with a bunch kids who sounded like their balls haven't dropped yet. In Gears of War you can fucking saw people in half with a chain saw and they scream "AAHHHHHHH" while you do it.

No media coverage on that. No parent outcry. But the moment you throw some CONSENSUAL sex into the mix... Holy shit get your picket signs!!

If i had 10-year-old kids i'd let them watch that Mass effect clip on a continuous loop for days before i let them play Gears of War. Of course, I also don't think sex is evil, which i'm probably going to hell for.

JERRY McGUIRE IS COMPLETELY SANE

Terminology of Scientology...

SP = Suppressive Person
KSW = Keeping Scientology Working
Orgs = organizations

there's a
ton of stuff...

Ooooh fun! Acronyms! Lemme go! ... Tom is BSC.

BSC = Bat Shit Crazy.

Seriously ... How did L. Ron Hubbard brainwash Jerry McGuire into being the spokesperson of Scientology? Did he just put him at the top of the pyramid scheme or whatever it is? Maybe he presented it like the "biggest movie roll ever!"

Ron: "Jerry! Baby! Have i got script for you! It's a social-experiment-kind-of-thing. If you can get other people to buy into my pyramid scheme you'll be considered the best actor ever! You'll be the first one on the mother ship. My word is as strong as oak."

Jerry M: That's sounds pretty good... IN.