MOST AMERICANS BELIEVE IN GUARDIAN ANGELS

I tried to come up with a funnier headline than the one from the actual "news" story from ABC, but failed miserably. Here's a video even. I seriously feel like I'm taking crazy pills:

More than half of all adults, including one in five of those who say they are not religious, believe that they have been protected by a guardian angel during their life, according to a new survey by Baylor University's Institute for Studies of Religion.

The survey polled 1,700 respondents of diverse religious faiths: evangelical Protestants, black Protestants, mainline Protestants, Catholics and Jews.

I wasn't going to have kids, but now i think i might. I'll home school them and tell them how the earth, creatures and humans were created by Bug People that live in the crust of the planet Mars. And how earth is just one big video game that the Bug People control.

But what about when they go off to college? My guess is that fortunately for their sakes: an EFFING ANGEL will drop down out of the sky and tell them the truth about the "real god" and they'll suddenly believe in the Jesus stuff, instantly erasing their minds of the Mars Bug People stories i had filtered into their growing brains the past 18 years.

I do have one question though for the people that claim to have interacted with angels: Will they still "be your guardian" and help you out if you immediately start masturbating upon them showing their presence? I feel like this could be a problem if the angel looks anything like Adriana Lima ... so i want to be prepared.

BIG MIDTERM EXAM COMING UP FOR YOUR FAIRY TALE RELIGIONS

SARAH PALIN HAS A CREATOR ... ALSO HAS A DAUGHTER THAT LIKES TO GET DOWN

Back in the Anchorage Daily News in 2006, Palin was quoted trying to backtrack about wanting Creationism taught alongside Evolution in public schools:

"It's OK to let kids know that there are theories out there," she said in the interview. "They gain information just by being in a discussion."

That was how she was brought up, she said. Her father was a public school science teacher.

"My dad did talk a lot about his theories of evolution," she said. "He would show us fossils and say, 'How old do you think these are?'

Asked for her personal views on evolution, Palin said, "I believe we have a creator."

She would not say whether her belief also allowed her to accept the theory of evolution as fact.

"I'm not going to pretend I know how all this came to be," she said.

She's "not going to pretend to know how this all came to be," but at the same time is going to pretend to know "we have a creator." I'm no logic master, but i think back-to-back statements like this aren't going help her out much in the presidential debates. Joe Biden must creaming his pants right now at the idea of going a few oral rounds with her this fall. (pun intended)

Maybe she should take some time off the Creationism and spend a little more effort getting Sex Ed. into her daughter's classroom.

BTW ... I feel so cheated growing up in such a liberal, non-religious school system. I missed out on so much conservative-repressed hot box... just waiting to act-out against their bible thumping parents.

PRAYING CAN LOWER GAS PRICES, PRODUCTIVITY

From the LA Times ...

Forget Congress. Forget President Bush. About four months ago, frustrated by the apparently immutable laws of supply and demand, Rocky Twyman turned to a higher authority in his quest for cheaper gasoline.

The recent dip in prices, he says, is proof of divine intervention.

"Prayer is the answer to every problem in life," said Twyman, founder of the Pray at the Pump movement, whose members huddle around gas pumps and ask the Almighty to lower gasoline prices.

I also find prayer is the answer for every problem. Hard work and a good attitude can only take you so far ... eventually it all comes down to praying. A few obvious examples ... "I'm praying the bank doesn't notice the missing mortgage payment this month. or I'm praying on the Lord's Holiness that her bikini top falls off in the surf ... or i'm praying with all my might that sticky grenade finds it's way across the entire board for a double kill on Halo 3" When prayers like those are answered, God's pretty irrefutable.

According to AAA, which tracks such matters, the average nationwide price for a gallon of gas Wednesday was $3.78 -- down from $4.10 a month ago, but still 25 cents higher than on April 23.

The prayer group's efforts began that day just a few blocks away, at the soup kitchen of First Seventh-day Adventist Church. When the soup kitchen's volunteers, many of them senior citizens, began talking about cutting back their time because they couldn't afford to drive, Twyman said, "God just impressed me to take them over to the pump, and the rest is history."

I think that's awesome the lower gases prices allowed those people to volunteer again at the kitchen. It's almost like God knew that lower gas prices would specifically help out the soup kitchen. And then i assume God kept these new lower gas prices secret from atheists?

Now that they've solved gas prices could someone get these people to shift their prayers to Wall Street? My Large Cap is killing my 401K over here.

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

What you call a cruel man using foolish faith to fleece gullible people of their money ... i call great showmanship! I think if you can find a way to make grip-loads of money pushing down Jesus freaks and elederly ladies, more power to you. That's like 2 steps removed from figuring out how feel up breasts for a living.

"IT'S A LOUSY NIGHT TO BE AN ATHEIST"

So I was enjoying the hell out of watching Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers blast 28 home runs in the Derby last night, when ass-clown Rick Reilly dropped this gem from the announcing booth:

"He beat Cocaine and Heroin addiction, found Religion and made it back to the big leagues. It's a bad night to be an atheist."

Classic! I like how it's still perfectly OK to openly discriminate against atheism. Good times!

In related news since straight-white-Christian Josh Hamilton hit 28 HRs in one round, it was a REALLY bad night to be a Black Gay Muslim.

INNOCENT CRACKERS TAKEN HOSTAGE

On a scale of 1-10, how lame is it to blog about a news story about another blog? I'm not sure so i'm going to do it anyway...

A Minnesota university instructor and avowed atheist is jousting with a national Catholic watch dog group over a smuggled communion wafer, which the associate professor dismisses as a "frackin’ cracker."

Paul Z. Myers, who teaches biology at the University of Minnesota, Morris, on his blog this week expressed amazement that a Florida college student who briefly took a wafer "hostage" from a church ceremony has been receiving death threats for an action that was characterized "a hate crime" by the Catholic League.

Paul ... come on man! It's much more than a cracker sir! Some guy in a robe that can't have sex waved his hand over it and now it's the body of Christ! Everyone knows that.

This reminds me of a book i read where this old woman with face warts lived in a house by herself in the forest. She was cooking something in a big cauldron with steam was pouring over the edges. I don't remember the whole story, but a big part of it involved her picking apples from the trees surrounding her house and then waving her hand over them so they became "enchanted." Anyway i can imagine she would have been pissed off if someone took her apples and held them hostage. She was pretty scary looking, so without her apples, how would she lure small children into her house?